One Song: “The Inspector Clouseau Theme” (Henry Mancini)

“Fantastic Four” and “Superman” are coming out this month and I’m almost annoyed. They both look really, really good. I wish I was still a naive, fresh-faced youth in my early-Thirties and I could still get excited about upcoming franchise movies.

Yes, of course I was among the very first in line to get tickets to Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. I remind you that in the 1900s, “in line to get tickets” wasn’t a metaphor. You had to deliver yourself to the place where the tickets would be sold. I did my research and identified the nearest theater with the best sound and projection. I arrived at about 5 AM (five or six hours before the box office opened) on the first day of advance ticket sales. There were already about twenty people ahead of me.

(I looked down at the takeout bag in my hand with regret. Were it not for my perceived need to make a Dunkin Donuts stop along the way, I might have been only #18 or even #14. In my defense, this was when every Dunkin made its donuts on-site.)

It was a merry old time, back then. We were like-minded lunatics – many of us home-owners, even – who had already been waiting more than 5800 days since Return Of The Jedi. Waiting five hours to buy tickets was nothing. But we sure weren’t going to wait an additional 42 minutes on Release Day because we lacked the guts to do that which, rationally, needed to be done to get seats for the very first screening.

This guy shaved his head just for his “First Day Of Advance Ticket Sales” cosplay. Respect!

I don’t get excited about new “Star Wars” movies or new superhero movies any more. “That’s totally understandable,” you might be thinking. “You’re 16 years older. Life has beaten the capacity for joy out of you, hasn’t it?”

Surprisingly…no.

(…checking, just to be sure…)

No, that’s not true at all. See? It’s only 2 PM and the “Whimsy” ring on my fitness watch is already 71% complete. On a weekday!

It’s just that I’ve given Disney’s Marvel Cinematic Universe and Disney’s Star Wars whatever-it-is many opportunities to entertain me and it’s never worked out well. I agree with what Martin Scorsese said in this terrific op-ed for The New York Times (which fandom freaked the hell out about:

I know that if I were younger, if I’d come of age at a later time, I might have been excited by these pictures and maybe even wanted to make one myself. But I grew up when I did and I developed a sense of movies — of what they were and what they could be — that was as far from the Marvel universe as we on Earth are from Alpha Centauri.

I feel so frustrated to be so Completely Not Entertained by Marvel movies! When I was a kid, it seemed unfathomable that major studios would routinely be making superhero movies on this kind of scale and budget, and even less comprehensible that I wouldn’t be interested. I haven’t even seen the final chapter in the legendary 9-Episode Star Wars Cycle! Try explaining that to 10-year-old Andy!

But the majority of Marvel movies play less like a movie and more like the execution of a business plan. I nearly walked out on the first “Avengers” movie. Not out of anger…I was just bored out of my mind. I recalled a line from “Mystery Science Theater 3000”: “All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie!”

And yet, the trailer for the new Fantastic Four movie looks really, really good.

I’ve had much better experiences with DC’s superhero movies. The “Superman” trailer looks aces:

How is any of this relevant to “The Inspector Clouseau Theme”?

This instrumental wandered into my radar today. I heard the opening musical phrase and couldn't help but think about Inspector Clouseau and the "Pink Panther" movies and all of the feelings I've attached to those two things. It's an exceptional theme; that's what theme music is supposed to do.

I started wondering why so few of the many modern franchises have great signature themes. MCU movies in particular. A superfan might recognize a melody as the love theme from Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania. But who else?

Even if you’re not particularly a fan of the “Pink Panther” movies, you’re probably familiar with this theme. You're definitely familiar with the "Pink Panther" theme.

Scan this list:

• James Bond
• Indiana Jones
• Darth Vader
• Jaws
• Final Fantasy VII
• Charlie Brown
• The Mario Brothers
• Pirates Of The Caribbean
• The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
• Jurassic Park
• The Godfather

No matter what you might think about any of these movies, games, or characters…their theme tunes immediately jumped into your head, didn’t they?

The Marvel Cinematic Universe is just as huge as any of the things in that list. Bigger, in most cases. And the MCU is much, much fresher on the cultural landscape.

And yet…have any of the themes from any of those movies claimed a spot on our culture’s shared musical tapestry?

I can’t conjure up a single MCU theme from memory. This seemed puzzling, so I spooled up a couple of Spotify MCU playlists. I didn’t recognize a single theme. I couldn’t even associate any of them with their characters just by style. And "Agatha All Along" doesn't count because it says everything right in the lyrics.

“Well, you’re not a fan of MCU movies, Andy.” Fair point.

Nonetheless: I live in the USA and I’m inundated with media of all kinds from all directions every day. It seems significant that none of them have climbed out of its container, the way that so many other movie themes have done.

I’ve only seen the first “Pirates Of The Caribbean” movie, and I’ve only seen it once. Yet, I can recognize and hum its signature themes. Hans Zimmer’s score has inspired performers to create any number of new orchestrations and performances; this score has achieved a presence.

Anna Lapwood is awesome, so instead of illustrating my point with a wide range of artists, I’m just going to declare “to hell with it” and stick to this one catalogue:

I haven’t even seen Interstellar yet (I know, I know; I’ve been waiting too long for “the perfect circumstances”). Yet this music reminds me that I really, really need to get on that:

There’s plenty more. Even if I can’t hum the themes from How To Train Your Dragon from memory, when the title “Test Flight” pops up in my YouTube or Spotify recommendations, I recognize it as a movie theme that a lot of musicians and orchestras are enthusiastic about.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe is the highest-grossing movie franchise of all time. So where are its musical themes?

I will leave you with that question to ponder.

As well as a clip that uses “The Inspector Clouseau Theme” to great effect. If circumstances of the day have left your elán in a dampened state, this sequence will towel it dry. ⓘ