ook ook OOK OOK OOK ook ook…

Oook ook oop OOK ook ook

 I’m starting to suspect that they only give us the bananas that don’t pass quality-control for supermarket sale.


 Hey, cool…a tire on a heavy chain, suspended from a thick iron pipe, over a barren concrete floor. Just like I used to have back in the jungle, the place from which you stole me when I was an infant after you shot my mother. Thanks. Thanks ever so ****ING much. (Jerks.)

 I’m not the least bit envious. What the hell would I do with an opposable thumb? Bowl?

 She IS great. Jane Goodall has a true love and respect for our kind. But let’s not just gloss over the horrible things she does to meerkats. The woman has a real issue or something with those things.


 Mister, I was smuggled across the ocean and into the US tied inside a burlap sack with eleven other baby chimps. We were packed in like laundry. Five of us died; the smugglers didn’t care…it was factored into their budget. Many nights I still wake up shrieking. So, yes. Yes. YES. I imagine that the day you spent inner-tubing during your vacation WAS “more fun than a barrel full of monkeys.” It would pretty much HAVE to be. Do you understand why you should NEVER use that expression?

 Now the guys are going to call me “Mr. Lavender-Smell Butt” all day. I really wish the handlers wouldn’t wash my fur with Suave.

 No, honestly. If I _wanted_ an opposable thumb, I would have attacked one of the trainers and bitten one off a long, long time ago.

 Oh, honey, you don’t even know the half of it. My greatgreatgreatgreatGREATgreatgreatgreatgreatgreat-grampa Earl would hook up with _anything._ We share common ancestors with the Humans, giraffes, bears, dolphins…you name it, he’d put the moves on it.

 Well, maybe if you gave us a few Frisbees we wouldn’t HAVE to fling our poo around! Did you ever think of THAT?

 Kid, it may have been an accident but I think we both know you’re not getting your iPod back. So you might as well just be a good sport and drop us the earphones and the charger, too.

 It sucks having electrodes drilled into my skull and getting shocked several times an hour. I hate it here. But what can I do? It would totally break my Mom and Dad’s hearts if I decided to leave college.


 For God’s sake, Dale, don’t give up so quickly. For once, try to be an oranguTAN, not an oranguTAN’T.

 So he puts me through FOUR callback auditions and I’m thinking “I nailed it. I’ve totally got this in the bag” and what does Kubrick do? He decides to use humans in ape costumes. I swear, two years in Hollywood made me appreciate just how good I have it here in live theater.

 Well, I happen to _be_ a 900-pound gorilla. Do I _look_ like I get to do whatever I want?

 (Sigh). Yeah, I guess Debbie and I are coming to the Halloween party dressed as Chewbacca and Mala from the Star Wars Holiday Special. _Again._

 Man, I really, really want to try on the cowboy hat that fell into the enclosure. But if I put it on, the video is probably going to be all over the Internet and then the keepers will make me wear it all the time.

 Surrrre. Go ahead. Keep rapping on the glass and making stupid faces, mister. One day I’m going to smash out of here and ram this tire so far up your ass that every time you smile it’ll say “Goodyear.”

 You know, if you’d started off by teaching me the sign language for “Shut up and leave me the hell alone” we could have ended this research project three years ago.
No, I guess that joke ISN’T so damn funny. Obviously that’s NOT why their arms are so long. Jeez, I’m sorry, I didn’t know that your husband is a gibbon…I’m not a RACIST or anything…honestly, ask around…

 I suppose my problems relating with other apes go back to my Mom, doc. She was cold, hard, rough; she really didn’t give me any affection. I don’t know if it’s because she resented having to drop out of school to take care of the kids, or the fact that she was just a tube of chicken wire with a bottle jammed in the middle set up in a psychology lab.


 “Talk like a PIRATE” day?


 How embarrassing. I thought you said it was “Talk like a PRIMATE day.” My bad.

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7 thoughts on “ook ook OOK OOK OOK ook ook…

  1. Glubbdrubb

    Just so you know “ook” is an Afrikaans word meaning “also” or “as well”.

    Do you think we over anthropomorphise pirates?

  2. Ihnatko Post author

    Maybe. Sometimes I look at a pirate and wonder “If it could talk, what could it say? It almost looks as though it’s thinking about something.”

  3. augmentedfourth

    You know, humans are primates too…

    I liked “talk like a pilot” day better, anyway. it lasted all day long on Twitter (rather than just a quick single-sitting article), and I had no idea what the heck you were on about until the next morning.

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