Exciting New CWOB Contest! “Seeker of Truth”

I don’t feel as though I’m “giving back” enough to you, the faithful readers of the Celestial Waste of Bandwidth. So here’s a contest for y’all.

Thanks to my closely-placed contacts — you will understand if I insist on protecting their anonymity — I have managed to get my hands on the un-Photoshopped version of a recent image from the Astronomy Picture of the Day site (warning: that link takes you to a webserver controlled by the Government):

Incredible Sunspot Photo

Click for the full-sized version.
Original photo by Greg Piepol.

The Government and the Corporate-Controlled Media would have preferred that we all remain blind to the exciting truths documented by this unretouched photo. I’ve managed to certify that the image contains the following:

  • 18 Virgin Marys (beatific);
  • 6 Virgin Marys (weeping);
  • 11 Bigfoot and/or shirtless Larry Czonkas (indeterminable);
  • Workmen in distinctive navy-blue Halliburton jumpsuits moving cartons of Enron-related Justice Department documents into storeroom under Sun just prior to coronal mass-ejection;
  • 81 pixies;
  • 1 Jesus Christ (hint: in His serene glorious majesty)
  • 28 telltale puffs of smoke from behind the stockade fence on the grassy knoll;
  • 19 UN-backed “Black Cobra” operatives installing high-density explosives to make the Sun’s controlled implosion appear to be nothing more than a natural fusion reaction;
  • 49.2 US gallons of ectoplasm deployed in various risque poses;
  • 33 banks of klieg lights (responsible for the unnatural multi-directional shadows emanating from the base of the solar flare);
  • 1 enfeebled and elderly Robert Kennedy tied down to a gurney in a Dennisport convalescent home;
  • 79 AIM or AMRAAM missiles inbound, with
  • 126 laser-illuminator dots targeting the Sun’s portside SRB;
  • 17 humanoid spectral figures moving towards source of blinding light;
  • 1 Wink Martindale.

As fellow skeptics and seekers of Truth, I’m sure that some of these already leapt right out at you before you even read the list.

To encourage the Celestial Waste of Bandwidth’s readers to refuse to become willing accomplices to the aforementioned Government and Corporate-Controlled Media’s relentless attempts to reduce all of Humanity to malleable and suggestible sheep, I will award a $25 electronic iTunes gift certificate to the lover of Freedom and Truth who does the best job of exposing and illustrating the tantalizing and shocking reality so conclusively documented by this absolutely undoctored image.

Do it with words, do it with pictures and outlines and arrows…it’s entirely up to you. I’m looking for both quantity and clarity. The idea is to spread truth here. So the winning entry will be the one which does the best job of convincing the world of what can happen when rational people refuse to simply take the “obvious,” “simple” solution at “face value.”

Bonus points for spotting any censored elements that I might have missed. After all, I could only devote three days to scrutinizing this image before the UN’s JA-91 spy satellite with its roof-penetrating LI2DAR array was scheduled to make another pass near my house, and I was forced to pick up an “US” magazine and play dumb before the flyover.

You may enter by posting a reply to this message. Include links to any supplemental materials that you may wish to present.

Deadline for entries is Saturday, February 16 at 12:01 AM. As is only proper, the sole arbiter of Truth and Reality is me, Andy Ihnatko.

So go to it: $25 and Liberty are on the line.

Oh, and I ought to point something out: just as I was about to post this item, I noticed that the lens flare in the upper-right corner of the image happens to be sort of Wink Martindale-shaped, I suppose. This is due to the unusual leaf arrangement of the aperture of the lens used to capture the image.

This sort of flare is historically known among optical engineers as the famous “Tic Tac Dough Perplexity.” The problem’s utter insolvability contributed to this particular aperture design being phased out, after Alex Trebek took over as the host of “High Rollers.”

Do not be bamboozled. Peel the onion, people…peel the onion.

6 thoughts on “Exciting New CWOB Contest! “Seeker of Truth”

  1. Pupdog

    C’mon Andy, how are we supposed to prove this to the American public when they’ve been drinking that fluoridated tap water for years?

  2. zacksback

    Well, I’m immediately disqualified because I thought
    the lens flare resembled Dick Van Dyke. That and having
    been a card carrying member of the Military/Industrial
    Complex for 43 years, 8 months and 2 days, I may very
    well be on a first name basis with that particular JA-91.
    (Damn, I hate to loose out on that gift certificate though!)

  3. Vince Price

    Andy, I must wonder whether you are toying with us… Any astute internetter is, no doubt, already well aware of the first link in the Truth chain – the fact that Wink Martindale’s cousin (mother’s brother’s son, as you know) was one of the key engineers on the Manhattan project. I can just hear the foreheads being smacked already; do bear with me as I connect the dots for those who don’t spend enough time reading Wikipedia:

    Sun=fusion > Manhatten Project=fission > Image of Wink Martindale=optical ILLUSION of man with singular VISION… See? See? I believe it is all too clear, so I will refrain from insulting anyone’s intelligence by berating the point.

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