National Terrible Unfinished Novel-Writing Month: Day 14

Still working the “Acting like an Author is probably more important than actually writing” angle.

Did such a poor job of assembling an Author-ey wardrobe that I decided to start small and focus on dramatic accessories. Admit it: you can’t get any smaller or more dramatic than a handgun, can you?

And the gun can help your writing in so many different ways! You heft it in your hand and immediately you’re filled with the drunken and misplaced sense of confidence and the illusion of power that’s so important when writing a novel. It also seems like it’d be a terrific prop to have next to the keyboard if I’m having friends over and someone’s date happens to be a contributing columnist to Vanity Fair or something.

See, you can’t come out and say “My burden as an Artist is that I’m the lone pair of eyes that can see the horror of daily existence for what it is; I desire nothing more than to turn away, but it’s my duty to share this clarity with the unknowing populace. Write, write, write I must, though each page peels another layer of bark from my very soul.” They’d see right through that.

Instead, you have to finesse your way into a four-page career-making profile.

“Say, Andy…I (emm) couldn’t help but notice the gun there on the desk.”

“Damn. I try to make sure I hide it away when I’m done working for the day. I’m a little embarrassed that you saw it; it’s kind of part of my Process.”

“It helps ‘trigger’ some ideas? Ha, ha.”

“No. Every morning I get out the gun and put it next to the keyboard. I look at them both really hard for ten or twenty minutes. Because I know: it’s one or the other. I can either write, or I can finally end it all. Honest to God, when I go to bed every night, I don’t know which one it’s going to be.”

There are plenty of fly-by-night agencies that tell you that the best way to build word-of-mouth about your upcoming projects is to put it all in the hands of a top-flight PR firms. Rubbish. You just have to understand that magazine writers are pretty lazy by nature and if you write the first page of the profile for them, they’ll come back a day later with a tape recorder and possibly Annie Liebowitz.

Oh, also, I saw a show on the Food Network where the host used the butt of a Browning to crush up some garlic. So it’s not as though I’d be one of those weenies who’s afraid to use the thing.

The best bit of all is that there’s like a five-day waiting period…so I get to take the whole rest of the week off from writing.

Or should I say “writing”? Man, this NaTeUnNoWriMo thing is a piece of freakin’ cake. I don’t know why so many novelists make such a big deal about it. I guess you either have a gift or you don’t.

2 thoughts on “National Terrible Unfinished Novel-Writing Month: Day 14

  1. Myra J (from work)

    Thanks for the Josh Middleman and UnEthicist links. Middleman’s artwork is wonderful and the UnEthicist had me cracking up!

    Re this posting: I am picturing the Food Network guy crushing the garlic and the gun going off (boom! – there’s a headline in the next day’s paper), and ya know, that cracks me up (no one gets hurt of course [“no humans were injured in the filming of this scene]).

    I want to thank you for an idea I had to do with my blog, and make some money at the same time. I also have to thank the last TWIT (non-TWIT [more like TWIB]) show for the same idea. I can’t talk about it yet until it’s up and running. And speaking of up and running, when are you going to make your new blog’s URL public?

  2. Ihnatko Post author

    I have one of his pieces. You just immediately respond to his stuff. Amazing work.

    The Celestial Waste of Bandwidth will have its coming-out on December 5, most likely. When I finish the Leopard book I can turn my full attention to all the little things I need to do.

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