Time for Best Actress. Really, how secure can you feel when your competition for The Academy Award is Meryl (****ing) Streep?!?

But I think she’s almost in the Oprah category now. At this point in her career, she’s won her industry’s award so conspicuously frequently that there’s now an unspoken agreement that the Academy should spread the wealth a little.

Kate Winslet for “The Reader.” The sugar-frosted side of my moviegoing psyche says “She gets prettier and prettier with each passing year. The whole-wheat side says that she’s a hell of an actress, is a genius at choosing roles that can show off the full range of what she can do, and has managed to become a big celebrity without losing that appearance of being a genuine person with no particular need for the whole world to know her business.

(Wack to the sugar-frosted side again, which wants to thank Ms. Winslet for showing us so much of her business in “The Reader” and other movies.)

Oh, how adorable. She asks her dad to whistle and PHREEET! comes from the back of the room, instantly.

I’ve sort of had a little observation about events like these. Most of the people nominated for an Oscar (or another major award) has a parent out there watching. And I guarantee you that they’re just over the moon with pleasure. You enjoy achieving your dreams in life. But the only thing that can possibly top it is watching anonymously while your kid achieves their own.

I might think that so-and-so is a phony, such-and-such is unworthy of recognition…all kinds of snarky comments that are so fun to read and write in a blog. But lately, I’ve also thought about the man or woman sitting in front of TV set back at a hotel near the Kodak Theater, who have no idea how they’re going to compose themselves in the hour or two until they meet up with their kid and congratulate them in person.

“How did he do it?” asks DeNiro. “How did Sean Penn manage to play straight men for so many years?” Big laugh. What a masterful performance Penn did in “Milk.” He’s our generation’s Robert Mitchum, no question. I’ve got fingers crossed for him.

I want to see more movies with DeNiro and Penn. “We’re No Angels” didn’t give me enough of these two actor’s synergy.

Adrian Brody is nominating Richard Jenkins. He appears to have gotten the night off from juggling with the Flying Karamazov Brothers as the new Ivan.

I’m actually sort of warming to these personal introductions. The thing is, we like seeing our favorite actors on stage. And here, we get to see DeNiro and Anthony Hopkins and Ben Kingsley for a few minutes.

I check the time and note that they’re really not going very long. So I take back my earlier comments about this burning through the minutes.

I honestly don’t know if it’ll be Penn or Mickey Rourke. I think it’ll be Rourke, because the voters love the “story” of the winner.

Annnd…it’s Penn!

Good, I’m very happy.

“You commie, homo-loving sons-of-guns!” he says, underscoring his Mitchum-ness. “I know how hard I sometimes make it for you people to like me,” he says…another fab line, showing a kind of self-awareness that’s hard not to like.

Back to Rourke. I don’t take back my earlier comment (nor do I edit it, obviously). But this “voters like the story of the nominee” thing is more powerful in the Supporting Actor categories. Hence: Jennifer Hudson.

I also wondered if they’d vote to Rourke just to see what he’d say, with international live television cameras and a mere seven-second delay. But the same could be true of Sean Penn. Penn senses what’s necessary and appropriate, and does make a nicely-crafted pitch for gay rights, and makes the sort of swipe against Bush that’s expressed solely in the form of admiration for the new guy.

In these tough economic times, it’s important to create new sources of revenue. And leading analysts agree that Flea Circuses are the most secure growth industry. And how can you fail, with so much livestock all around you, ready for the taking, branding, and training? Your new Springstar Flea Trap will have your new cash machine up and running in no time.

(And yes, honor commands me to reveal that I’ll get a small Amazon Associates kickback from this and any other purchase you make after clicking that link. Okay? Like I said: times are tough. Amazon Associates isn’t as big a cash cow as a flea circus but what can I do? My landlord won’t let me have pets.)

Best Foreign Language Film. About which I have nothing to say. This is a category that is soooo ripe for being taken off of the telecast portion of the program. But it’ll never happen. I understand that it’s impossible to take any of these categories and move them to a pre-show or an alternative Oscar event. Nobody essentially cares that Best Foreign Language Film appears in the telecast, but they care that “their part of the business” is getting lesser representation. And hissy fits ensue.

Here comes the tribute montage to dead people. I wondered why they always put it so late in the show, until I realized: they’re probably stalling as long as they can just in case Joachin Phoenix squeaks in during one of the commercial breaks.

Wow, what a horrible choice to have all of these tribute clips “floating by” on screens inside the theater. So: they take up a fraction of the overall picture. The names are small to begin with, but it’s made even harder when they’re floating by on an angle. And the docus is on the set, not on the people you’re honoring. Idiotic idea.

See? They wouldn’t dare have stuck Paul Newman on a tiny floating screen, would they?

Back from commercial. Prez of Academy is acknowledged, and he simply stands up in audience and waves. Perfect choice. He deserves a moment, sure, but not to stand on stage and burn through a three-minute speech.

Once again, an actor (Reese Witherspoon) is explaining to us that these are these people called “Directors” who apparently park the cars on the set or something. As I have been trapped underground since seconds after birth, I had no idea; bless you, Academy, for this thoughtful explanation.

Best Director goes to “Slumdog.” I’m not terribly happy with the Slumdog sweep. I’m sure it’s a great movie, but there were plenty of great movies in 2008 and I refuse to believe that it just absolutely trounced all other movies, creatively. If it was better than “Wall*E” and “Milk,” I’ll be pretty damned blown away.

Danny Boyle is collecting his Oscar wearing an Elwood Blues costume. Funny, I thought he’d want to go with a tuxedo instead of his Comic-Con togs.

Tell me: just how long are you going to allow those deadly, bloodthirsty lobsters to overrun you home and car before you finally screw your courage to the sticking place and do something about it? And this deluxe lobster snare from Green Lobster will put an end to the liturgy of fear that this flippy-tailed tyrants read to your loved ones every day and night.

Like I’ve been saying, it’d be great if you clicked the link even if you’ve been diligently knocking out the lobster nests in your attic with a tennis racket before they even gain a beachhead on your home. Anything you buy after clicking the Amazon Associates link causes Amazon to toss a few pennies into my Associates account. And really, those giant inflatable Batmobile pool toys aren’t going to pay for themselves are they?

Eddie Murphy, very appropriate choice to introduce Jerry Lewis. Yes, because he starred in the remake of “Nutty Professor,” but because he was once a true giant in entertaiment who sort of frittered it all away with a string of really weird and embarrassing film projects.

I cannot wait to hear Jerry’s speech. No other entertainer has been so utterly desperate to receive acknowledgement of the love of an audience, and so hostile when the expression of that love seems lacking. No other entertainment wants and emotional connection more fervently, and is willing to do anything to get it. No other entertainer holds Show Business in such reverence

And now, the most showbizzy expression of love is being given to him, and he’s being placed in front of a live camera to one of the largest worldwide audiences imaginable.

Okay. Here he is. Annnd…?

Wow! Short, kind, humble, and very restrained. Sort of like what we got when Elia Kazan was given a lifetime achievement award and I was expecting him to say something more than mutter “thanks” and then shamble off the stage.

Nicely done, Mr. Lewis.

Now back from commercial. And it’s time for the music awards.

With “Original Score” it occurs to me that producers are starting to settle in to the new HD world. They’re playing an orchestral medley of the nominated scores while a big screen above the musicians perform. I’m watching on an analog set and you really have to watch closely and carefully to make out the title of the nominated film in that teeny type on the screen.

Another category which I wish I knew more about. What are they judging here? Memorable cues and themes? Or are they honoring how well the music amplifies the story and visuals? When I make my picks, I normally seem to vote for the movies I like instead of the scores. I wonder if the same’s true of the actual Oscar voters?

“Slumdog” wins. Hmm. Maybe that’s it.

“Best Song” is next. Again, what an idiotic presentation; cram all of these wonderful tunes into a single medley, where they do nobody any good.

Oh, and what joy! An interpretive dance! Well, it’s Indian dancers for “Slumdog” so maybe that makes sense. You kids wouldn’t understand, but I grew up in an age when Debbie Allen was allowed to choreograph Oscar dance numbers. It’s been more than a decade and I don’t think I’ve regained my sense of trust in Oscar dance numbers yet.

And here’s that “controversial” Peter Gabriel song from “Wall*E.” He refused to perform a truncated version. Good for him.

I think it’s a swell tune but do keep in mind that it’s an “end credits” tune. Has nothing to do with the movie, has no scenes that support or amplify it…it’s just someone for the people cleaning the theater to listen to. Always a pretty song, but you really do feel like it’s a mercenary effort to bump up the movie’s number of Oscar nominations.

Gee, y’think “Slumdog” is going to win?

Gotta say that I think the voters aren’t going to vote with their ears on this one. They’re going to vote for the nominee that they feel good about voting for. The two “Slumdog” songs I’ve heard are rather dull and flat.

(And really, Academy? You believe that only two movies produced Oscar-worthy songs? You’re just not trying. Honestly.)

Yes, it’s a song from “Slumdog. “Mecca-Lekka-Hi, Mekka Johnny-Ho” (which might actually be something that Jambi the Genie used to chant on the Pee Wee Herman Show, come to think of it; well, look, I can’t be arsed to look up the right spelling.)

Folks, remember the joy you experienced on Christmas morning, when you’d run downstairs, not knowing what you’d find inside those sparkly boxes under the tree? You can relive that delight with this wire trap from Kness. What will you trap in it? A squirrel? Mink? Muskrat? Rabbit? Maybe even a skunk! Don’t worry, the Kness can trap and handle it all. Get one for the kids!

Click the link and the trap and anything else you buy from Amazon will put a few coppers in my Amazon Associates account, from whence I shall go ahead and create jobs. Probably through the medium of buying a commerciall cotton-candy machine.

I’ll say one thing for these clip packages (Best Visual Effects)…it gives the liveblogger time to do some Wordpress housekeeping and tag and ship the previous post. So I’m all for ‘em. We’ll be here until 3 AM, but for selfish reasons…sure, bring ‘em on.

Wil Smith. He’d work well as an Oscar host, too. He’s in the business and universally likeable. And a swell entertainer. I bet DJ Jazzy Jeff will enjoy getting the walk-on gig, too. (Musical number: “Second-Unit Assistant Directors Just Don’t Understand”)

Hard to pick a winner in Visual Effects with so many big, flashy productions…

…But I wouldn’t have picked “Benjamin Button.” Ben Button boring. Iron Man’s effects where exhilarating.

Four people come to the stage to collect statuettes. If the economy keeps tanking and takings keep nosediving, we might see a day when the producers of the show find a reason to disqualify any winner that would force the organization to make more than 2 or 3 Oscar statues per category.

Outstanding Sound Editing. One of those categories that sort of baffle me. Sound Editing is usually for discrete sound effects (the squeal of tires). Sound Design is for making the audience believe that the tires squealed inside a concrete parking garage on a humid day.

It HAS to be WALL*E. What an achievement…fusing sound effects WITH acting performances.

It’s Dark Knight?!? Losers! Idiots! Morons! Pinheads!!!

(I speak to the voters, not the people who worked on “Dark Knight,” who certainly worked very hard and deserve to be recognized. They just don’t deserve to beat “Wall*E.”)

Sound Effects Mixing is up next. But I’m frankly too pissed off about Wall*E losing the Sound Editing award to care that “Slumdog” has won.

“Slumdog” also wins for Best Editing. Nope, still pissed about the Sound Editing award. Couldn’t care less who won this one. I need to go get a beverage or something.

I’m not even suggesting that you order the Victor Out Of Sight Mole Trap because of any sort of mole problem. I’m suggesting you order it because it’s actually a cool-looking object to have on your desk. Honest. Looks like a notecard holder from one of the offices in “Brazil.”

(Or a torture device from one of the scenes from the end of that film. It’s best not to think what it would be used for.)

Oh, yes, and I’m also suggesting it because if you click the link and buy anything at all, I’ll get that Amazon kickback. Boring of me to keep bringing it up, I know. But I don’t want you to think I’m offering up these links for your benefit. Like a good magician, I feel that I can only ethically con you if you came into the room planning to be conned, eh?

(And I kind of want to buy myself a new toy.)

Best Supporting Actor nominees. Okay, Arkin mangled Hoffman’s name. But it’s good to see Joel Grey on a big stage, under any circumstances.

(So now we know: they’re only singing “Happy Birthday” to the acting nominees.)

Actually, I think this is all a big tribute to Jerry Lewis. In addition to the humanitarian Oscar, they’re modeling the introductions of the acting nominees on the style of a regional Coca Cola bottler presenting a check to Jerry on the Telethon.

“Jerry, your efforts to end muscular dystrophy and related neuromuscular diseases is a model for all of us. Since 1962, the Coca-Cola company and its national network of bottlers and distributors has…”

Walken is up! Aw, his hair must be scared by the noise from the crowds. This is the first time I’ve seen it lying flat on his head since “The Deer Hunter.”

Kevin Kline — looking more like Erroll Flynn with each passing year. And that’s a good thing, until the year that Flynn died, at which point Kline should probably either see a good plastic surgeon (note: not any of the Desperate Housewives’ doctors, or Mickey Roarke’s) or leave the business.

Speaking of dead guys: Heath Ledger wins. Proving that even a dead guy has a bigger career ahead of him than Joachin Phoenix.

Can I say: shame on the Oscarcast organizers. They knew that Heath Ledger had a good chance of winning. They knew that his family, still in some stage of mourning, would be coming to collect the award if he won. So where do they seat them? Up with the people Of Value? Nope, they were stuck way back in the boonies. What a bunch of morons.

And if they play them off for any reason…they should be forced to eat an entire Costco-sized can of black olives. Including the oil it’s packed in.

Now for Best Documentary. Odd that they didn’t go into the tribute to actors who’ve recently passed. Probably because it’d be awkward to say “We are now honoring the man whose work we refused to honor just a few minutes ago.”

Nice one, producers: you’ve found a way to name the nominees without giving the audience the slightest inkling of what any of these movies are about. Which is just about a perfect way to make sure that nobody will have any interest whatsoever in seeing these flicks.

Hmm…the montage was directed by the Maysles Brothers, whose docs I love. Okay, maybe I overreacted. It was a nice little documentary but not right for the occasion.

Bill Maher. What a complete toad. And of course, he can’t just hand over the award without plugging his movie, pointing out that people who disagree with him are idiots, and just being a smug “I’m way too cool to be talking to you people” bastard throughout.

I hope it’s “Man On Wire”; loved it.

…And it is! Awesome.

Tightrope walker is not wearing a proper tuxedo (neither are the filmmakers) but look, you fire a crossbow between the Twin Towers ninja-style and then tightrope walk across…you get to do whatever you want to afterward.

…Including balancing the Oscar on your chin! Congratulations sir…you just made every Oscar highlight reel everywhere in the world.

Now time for Best Documentary Short. A reminder that the only good thing about being dissed by the producers and sat waaaay in the back is that they have to show lots and lots of clips from your film while you board the little golf cart that runs you to the stage from your seat.

Winner is a film that (surprise!) I haven’t seen.

Okay, I’m not sure why anybody would want or need to trap these things, but I’m glad that those people who feel a need for this product can buy it on Amazon.

“Time flies like an arrow,” say the ancient philosophers, “but fruit flies like a banana.” Well, your spouse and children will like you for ridding the kitchen of the tyranny of those demon fruit flies and end the reign of terror that they inflict. And it’s a snap, with the BioCare Kitchen Fruit Fly Trap.

Buy it from Amazon via the above link, or just click the link and buy something else. I’ll get a small Amazon Associates kickback and will spend the money on nothing terribly useful. But our economy enjoys being stimulated, doesn’t it?

The Judd Apatow short film: Seth Rogan and his Pineapple Express couch-buddy watching pirated movies. Very rare to find a comedy piece on the Oscars that’s actually funny!

Funny bit with Janish Kaminsky “Saving Private Ryan” cinematographer. I do think that’s the last time Seth Rogan will ever hold an Oscar. Maybe.

Is this a good path for future Oscarcasts? They don’t have to pay top-name musicians to play the Super Bowl because it’s such a great opportunity to perform for an enormous international audience. Wouldn’t top-drawer writers, directors, and actors be just as eager for an opportunity to put together a 3-minute film that EVERYBODY will watch? If they put out the word that the producers are open to proposals — no film school students or YouTube “Ow, My Balls!’ videographers may apply — wouldn’t they get a half dozen fantastic pieces like that Apatow short film?

Best Live-Action Short. Winner is not wearing a tuxedo. Black shirts are best worn by Johnny Cash or your priest.

Commercial.

Oooh…Wolverine is wearing his “The Prestige” costume (white tie). Wonder if this is the real Hugh Jackman, or the latest in hundreds of clones drowned in tanks just below the stage of the Kodak Theater?

Hugh (as noted earlier) is a great song and dance man. But I wonder why they’re spending all this time on a “has nothing to do with tonight’s nominees” musical number…and at the same time, they’re collapsing all of the “Best Original Song” nominees into a single chopped-down medley?

I’ve no idea why they do that at all. Best Song is a godsend for the show. Many of these songs were written or performed by some of the hottest acts in the world. Even when it’s some coffeehouse performer who got lucky, I refer you back to that “one of TV’s largest international audiences” comment. What top-name wouldn’t agree to come on to sing one of these songs?

And it’s good entertainment. So why throw away this kind of asset?

I turn my attention back to the show. At this moment, everybody over the age of 25 with no kids is looking at the kids from “High School Musical” (I’m guessing) and saying “Who the **** are these people?”

I do think this “Top Hat” medley is too much of a throwback to the lame Oscarcasts of the Seventies. Still, it’s nice to see a stage full of Boy Dancers once again. You know, the performers who make an excellent living flitting around behind Lola Falana at a variety of minor casino showrooms across the country.

Beyonce Knowles — dammit, the girl can sing.

Good Lord, that number was directed by Baz Lurmann. They were smart to not reveal this until the end. Otherwise, I would have been motivated to dive in through the screen, seek him out, and throttle him for his crimes against good taste and a world without glue-on diamelles.

Moths are idiots. Come on, we’ve all thought it. I’m just the first person to say it. Life is an endless series of terrifying confusions for these creatures, who surely count among God’s most egregious mistakes (though not a greater one than crescent-shaped ice cubes which cling to the curve of the glass and prevent you from drinking your beverage).

The only humane thing to do is kill them. And the Revenge Moth Trap is just the way to do it. If you haven’t got the guts to put them out of their misery, click the link anyway and buy something. Something you were going to buy anyway. I’ll get a little Amazon Associates kickback from whatever you purchase and I promise to use those credits to buy something fun and foolish.

Ben Stiller as Joachin Phoenix! Oh, man. The entire audience is acknowledging and endorsing the fact that Phoenix acted like a colossal ass on the Letterman Show and can happily be mocked. Before that appearance, his retirement was a personal choice. After it…well, the decision left his hands entirely. “When Cortez reached the New World, he set fire to his ships. This left his men very well motivated!”

Great bit. Stiller is committing to it completely.

Nominees for cinematography. Another win for “Slumdog.” Suffice to say that when you shoot in a location like that, you have plenty of opportunities for interesting, dusty lighting.

Wow! Short bit.

Back from commercial with a recap of the Sci-tech awards. Quick shout-out to Jerry Lewis for his invention of the video tap (though that’s been disputed). Ed Catmull got the shout-out…awesome.

Wow again! And we’re off for another commercial. Hmm. Is something going wrong backstage? Or are they running behind on their commercial airings? Are they trying to make sure they can tighten up the show at the end if they need to?

You hate snakes, don’t you? Do you want to tell every snake “My house is OFF LIMITS to you limbless flicky-tongue bastards?” Well, say it in the only language that snakes understand: the Cahaba Small Snake Trap.

On the off-chance that you’re trying to entice lots and lots of snakes in your house so you can reproduce the “Well Of Souls” scene from “Raiders Of The Lost Ark” for your next Christmas video, click the link anyway and buy something you were planning to buy. I’ll get a small kickback from Amazon which I promise to spend on something foolish. And I wont give a single penny to any pro-snake group.

More looks at the “we don’t have enough money to do a proper set” intentional set design. I wonder if that’s a smart move. Remember, during the hardest times of the 20th century, moviegoers went to the movies because they wanted to see glitz and sparkle and tuxedoed men and women in luxurious ballgowns being driven in huge cars.

I think it’s an ongoing mistake to keep explaining to us “people have to design the clothes you see in the movies.” I think we get it. Just cut together a montage from the nominated work that shows us why it’s so cool. Maybe even get an expert to pre-record his opinions of why it’s so vital and different.

I have no idea what they’re going for in a Costume Design award. Are they awarding fantastic, creative designs? Or simple, story-supporting practical work? It must be hard to costume a period piece like “Milk” and make everyone look like they dressed out of the 1978 Sears Catalogue. Is that appreciated as highly as when you do an 18th century period piece? Nobody remembers how people dressed 250 years ago. But your parents or grandparents would say “We would NEVER wear the cork-soled platforms with the live cricket in the heel with micro-shorts!”

Oh! Now I see: they’re actually sort of moving us “through the production process.” You write a screenplay, then you design the sets and costumes, then you do the makeup, then…”

So what they’re saying is that hiring the actors and the director is absolutely the least important part of it. You can put off making that Craigslist posting until the week before you start filming.

“Benjamin Button” wins for makeup. I guess that was an easy pick. Fantasy makeups are never considered to be as big an achievement as “real world” makeups.

And here’s another montage about “romantic moments of 2008.” An easy and obvious cut, and of course it’s something they air at the front of the show, before they know how late they’re running. Honestly, nobody cares about this.

If you’ve been enjoying these posts, reward yourself and me by buying yourself a Honeywell Indoor Electronic Mosquito Trap from Amazon. Though I appreciate that some of you actually enjoy the welts and the scratching. Just click the link and then buy whatever you were going to buy anyway. I’ll get a small kickback for sending you there and I promise to use those credits towards buying myself something foolish.

Best Screenplay. Yes, live presentation of printed text is always as exciting as the actual scene. No, no, no. Read the nominees and show the faces of the writers in the audience; for four of them, this is the big prize and (again) it’ll make their family incredibly happy. Then read the name of the winner. Then move on!

Oh, dear.

I think I’m going to put that phrase in a keyboard macro to save time.

Though if this blog will truly be plugged into the Oscarcast zeitgeist, saving time will be the last thing on my mind.

Best Screenplay to “Milk.” Good, good. This wasn’t an easy screenplay to write; it was filled with simple solutions to very complicated storytelling problems.

I was wondering if Andrew Stanton’s “Wall*E” screenplay had a chance. Every moment of it had to be written…but so little of it was actual human dialogue, you know?

Shout out for equal gay rights. Cool.

More blatherol to introduce the category. Nobody listens, nobody cares, it’s thirty seconds that can be easily dropped.

“DON’T fall in love with me!” says Steve to his co-presenter. Great line.

Again, reading a screenplay full of direction aloud is as exciting as watching people type. Why is it that the telecast always overlooks the most obvious opportunities to tighten things up? And again, I keep thinking about how thrilled my parents would be to just see me on TV, with my name being read aloud as a nominee. But no, instead they’re showing typewritten pages.

So yes, it’s true: if you’re a writer, you’re at the absolute bottom of the Hollywood power list. They don’t even think you’re pretty enough to be shown on TV!

“Slumdog” wins. I wasn’t consulted, but I nonetheless approve.

Oscars are showing writers one bit of props: they’re putting them on first. Which might seem like a dis, keeping them away from the big categories. But they’re being presented before the director realizes just how ****ed they are for time, and start cutting people off after their first five seconds of the acceptance speech.

More banter between presenters. Jack Black and Jennifer Anniston…good for Katzenberg for laughing at the “I bet everything on Pixar every year” line. He’s either a good sport, or is smart enough to know that a camera is near and he has to look like a good sport.

Yes! Special Wall E OSCAR clip! Always interesting to see how they recucle footage from the anmated cilms…since it’s utterly impossible to render out new footage for the show. If you want Shrek to give out an award, he’s going to look like he stepped from a Playstation game.

But of course, they could have “built” a Wall*E for the show, and R/C him out across the stage, couldn’t they?

Okay, it’s got to be WALL*E. He got it in the neck at the Annie awards, but only because Dreamworks bought voting memberships in the organization for all of its employees.

Yes! It’s Wall*E.

Interesting! Loud cheer from Jack Black…star of “Kung Fu Panda.”

Shout out for Steve Jobs. No “Get well soon, Spunky! You’re in our prayers!” which has to be a good sign. I think.

Animated Short Film. Let’s see if as usual, they play on the winner with Looney Tunes music. I mean, some of these shorts are actually addressing serious subjects, you know?

Should be a Pixar win, methinks…

No, it’s a Frenchy thing. How embarrassing! The American animator who won it chose the wrong fake accent to accept the award in! He’s supposed to pretending to be French, not Japanese!

Was that the first time a Styx lyric was quoted in an Oscar acceptance speech?

If you’ve been enjoying this, why not purchase a six-pack of Fatal Funnel Bee And Wasp Traps from Amazon? You’ll probably be attacked by bees if you don’t. If you escape, it’ll get your kids; they’re slower, after all.

Even if you don’t like your kids very much, click the link and then buy whatever-it-is that you were meaning to buy anyway. I’ll get a small kickback via Amazon Associates. And I’ll be a little bit closer to buying myself something interesting but fiscally irresponsible, with the credits.

Live! From the set of “Tron!” It’s the 2009 Academy Awards!

No opening documentary-style montage? Hmm. Guess they really are serious about moving things along. But wait until 10:33, when we see the Salute To Chimpanzees In Cinema. Not to be confused with the Salute To Orangutans In Movies, which ran at 9:21.

Fashion watch: Hugh is wearing a proper tuxedo. Which means: black bowtie, closed-collar shirt, proper jacket and pants.

Opening number: good bit, playing on the lack of budget for big opening numbers. Hey, did you notice that the red carpet special DID NOT spend any time talking about how much money each of these gowns and shoes and jewels cost? Smart move, as the first commercial was a sad-faced man talking about how he’s been out of work for three months and was worried about losing his home and not being able to provide for his kids.

“…And we’re back, with Astoria Miller! Ms. Hathaway, I understand that you had all of your nose boogers removed and replaced with $4.2 million worth of yellow diamonds for tonight’s special night?”

Damn, that Hugh Jackman feller can sing and dance and mix it up with the audience. Great number, hugely entertaining…and it ended well before I was sick of it.

What a great choice in host. It’s a very special skill that’s hard to articulate. You can’t be there to express your hostility at never having been recognized yourself, you can’t be there to do your standup routine, you can’t be there with the intention of giving the world a chance to love you. You have to connect with the audience, put them at ease, and let them feel as though they’re in on the fun.

Montage of Actress acceptance speech. Wow, they didn’t include the bit from Vanessa Redgrave’s acceptance speech where she speaks of “not bowing down to Zionist hoodlums.”

I hope they also include Paddy Cheyevsky’s response to that speech, which he made up on the spot when presenting Best Original Screenplay shortly after VR cleared the stage.

Okay, Tilda Swinton looks she’s wearing one of the original designs from an episode of “Project Runway.” Early episode. Before they’ve weeded out all of the art-school losers from the competition. Seriously, a brown dropcloth?

Crimeny, I’m confused. Why are all these actresses on the stage, calling out all these actresses, and praising their performances? If they do this for everything including Best Sound Design and Best Foreign Animated Film…wow, unroll your sleeping bag because we’re going to be here until Tuesday.

GET ON WITH IT, for God’s sake! This is like when there’s an office birthday party for all the staff birthdays of the month…and they make you all sing “Happy Birthday” 17 times!

Penelope Cruise seems to have won…oh, right, an Academy Award. I was so bored during the individual tributes to all of the nominees that I sort of forgot what I was up to.

And after all of that, I bet Cruise gets “played off” after 30 seconds before she can properly thank her parents and other family members.

I sense a great disturbance in the Force that keeps people tuned into the Oscars all evening…

Have they decided to turn the Oscars into a 14-episode reality series for Bravo? Because otherwise, I don’t know how they’re going to get through everything. It’s as if they looked at the 18 hour Super Bowl pre-game, game, and post-game and said “We can beat that. Oh, we can beat that, easy.”

If you’ve been enjoying this, why not purchase a Macabee Gopher Trap? Even if you don’t have a gopher problem in your apartment, by clicking that link and then buying anything you were planning on buying anyway, I’ll get a small kickback via Amazon Associates. And I’ll be that much closer to buying myself something interesting but fiscally irresponsible with the credits.

Greetings, from an undisclosed location. In Queens. A walk from the Jefferson stop on the “L.” Up the street a bit. On the right. Past the post office. But I’m really not allowed to make it any more specific than that.

A bit of drama here, sensation-seekers: I happily came out to NYC to do a spot on the CBS Saturday Early Show, and was deep into prep for the show before I figured out that this was Oscar Weekend! So I had to weigh some options, including coming home Saturday night (and giving up a free weekend in a fabulous city, hanging out with fabulouser friends), coming home Saturday night and watching and blogging via Slingbox and a Sprint cellular modem as I speed down the Northeast Corridor on Amtrak…

…Or sleep way the hell in on Sunday, stay put, watch television, go home on Monday instead of Sunday.

So! Welcome to the liveblog. I wish I’d started counting up how many years I’ve been doing this. I imagine that once I’m looking forward to the tenth one, I can get sponsorship from Motorola and various makers of lotions, fragrances, and bright shiny objects and have gift bags for all 53 to 3.4 million people reading this.

I suppose if I don’t count them up, I could just sort of declare that 2010 is the tenth anniversary.

So! If you’re the maker or promoter of a good, product or service whose mere existence demonstrates the fundamental problems that bring us down as a society, and you’d like to give away anywhere from 53 to 3.4 million of them, be sure to get right in touch.

(Actually, make it 54 to 3,400,001; if people are getting free Emmanuel Ax “Forte” Body Spray For Men Gift Packs, I’m going to be first in line.)

One little extra selfish twist: I’m slugging in an Associates link to Amazon somewhere in every one of these liveblog posts. Are you enjoying this liveblog? Were you planning on buying something on Amazon later? Cool. Click this link to get there. It doesn’t matter what you buy. I’ll get a little bonus from Amazon merely for having reminded you that you were meaning to buy a Havahart Easy Set/Release One-Door Raccon Trap.

(Or whatever. I’m really not here to judge. I just want the referral.)

It won’t cost you anything and it’ll put me a few pennies closer to the purchase price of something fun that I probably wouldn’t have bought myself otherwise.

To keep reloads short, I’ll be updating the blog at every commercial. Onward!