How To Retire From Politics

You’re a Senator or a member of the House of Representatives and for whatever reason, you’ve decided it’s time to go.

Great ways to leave Congress:

1) Some sort of disease

This one’s hard to top, particularly if you’ve managed to stay in office for ten, twenty, or thirty years and in that time, have developed a reputation as an effective servant of the people and a reliable advocate for the disenfranchised. Because although it’s inevitable that you will have made some bad decisions and some enemies during your time in office, anybody who chooses to bring that up before your first posthumous biography is published will look like a total dick.

Dying from something that’s inoperable sucks, no question. But there’s definitely a silver lining.

2) Cash out and burn the bridge behind you

You spend your penultimate year in office researching and writing up a master list of every source of grift, graft, and grease that a member of Congress can legally pursue. It’s a long list. Let’s just say you keep your attorneys researching what you can absolutely get away with, and then you cut the list off after a year. You then spend your final year sticking your hands as deep into the till as you can get them. As a member of Congress, your sources of legal graft are similarly endless, but again, if you don’t set a firm deadline for the project you’ll never finish it.

When the year’s up and you’re fifty times wealthier than Scrooge McDuck, you call a press conference. Have a staffer leak that you intend to spend more time with your family. Better, but riskier: leak that you’ve contracted something inoperable. At the press conference, curtains part to reveal you sitting naked in a huge claw-footed bathtub filled with money, on a thick platform. You are wearing a tall, bejeweled crown and an enormous gold medallion. “Not only is it impossible to prosecute me for any of this,” you laugh, after explaining where the money came from, “but now I’m so goddamn rich that I’ve placed myself far beyond the reach of any earthly justice. So long, losers!!!”

You and the tub and the platform roll away. During your stately loop of the press room before rumbling out into the street, cameras note that the steam engine propelling the tub is being fed by a formally-attired butler, who shovels stack after stack of hundred dollar bills into it.

You’ll leave office with a huge pile of money. And a jaded populace will say “At least that one was completely honest about why he got into politics.” You will be able to parlay this grudging but sincere respect into a successful local chain of Rich Bastard Congressman Steak And Ribs restaurants.

3) The Bucket List

Freedom’s just another word for “I’m not running for reelection.” Spend the remaining few years of your term making fun of the Distinguished Senator’s obvious comb-over. When you’re on one of the Sunday morning news programs, amiably inform someone that they’re completely full of crap when they are, in fact, completely full of crap. Introduce one-page bills that say “All sick children should receive medical treatment,” almost solely to make other Senators and Congresspeople squirm when they explain why they aren’t supporting it.

“No, I voted against federal bailout funds for our 73-year-old roller skate factory,” you could tell your constituents, during a Town Hall meeting. “When was the last time you even saw a kid wearing one of these metal skates clamped onto their street shoes? It’s a mercy killing. Secondly, the owners have run this damn thing so deep into the ground that I wonder if the plan was to have it re-emerge in China. But that couldn’t be the case, because that would mean they were sharp enough businesspeople to realize how much cheaper these products would be to manufacture over there.

“Oh, and before I take your next question: let me tell you all how much extra the average American is willing to pay for a product just because it has a ‘Made In The USA’ sticker on the box…” And here you hold the microphone against your butt and punctuate your point in a dramatic and unequivocal fashion.

Say ridiculous things like “Sorry: we can’t guarantee you that the chance of being killed by terrorists will ever be zero. You’ll have to be satisfied with jillion-to-one odds.” And “Christ almighty! I’m your Congressperson, not your Dad. So long as I’m doing my job well, why should you even care that I cheated on my wife two years ago?” Or “All of these big flags in such a small space makes me uncomfortable. Doesn’t this room remind you a little of the opening ceremonies of the Berlin Olympics?”

(After a few weeks of this, you might be tempted to hire Aaron Sorkin to write some of your speeches and most of your off-the-cuff remarks. Resist that urge. Nobody will believe that an actual person would ever say any of those things under any circumstances. If you absolutely must pursue this idea, make sure that you budget and staff the project accordingly. Your regular Starbucks guy will definitely not provide you with the perfect casual setup for a two-minute monologue linking America’s lack of involvement in the Syrian crisis with Reagan-era deficit spending. You’re definitely going to need to put your own guy behind the counter.)

In the end, you’ll be the first lawmaker to read the opening three pages of “Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas” into the Congressional Record while wearing full scuba gear. Which is definitely worth something. As is pointing out that everybody involved in every level of the political process is somehow culpable for its problems.

4) The Yoda Exit

Hard to pull off, but worth the effort. Step One: get elected to the House or Senate. Step Two: Repeat Step One seven to twelve times without losing an election or dying. Step Three: be one of those members of Congress who can pretty much do whatever they want because they’re 90 years old and kind of adorable and yes, you rarely say anything that makes any sense but everyone figures that Death has been circling your building for the past three years looking for a place to park, so why be the person who works hard to get an adorable tiny old guy out of a job?

Three days after a Congressional page notices the change in the smell from your office, lots of people will line up to say nice things about you. They won’t even bother mentioning the fact that the last time you actually appeared on the Senate floor was four years ago, and even then all you did was complain about how “the TV clickers are much more complicated than they used to be.”

5) Ex-Congressperson With Benefits

Remember, you can’t collect unemployment insurance if you voluntarily quit. You need to do something to get yourself fired. And that’s no easy feat when you’re working as a Congressman. Almost anything that would get you fired from Walmart is perfectly aboveboard (see Suggestion One).

Furthermore, the populace has such low expectations from our elected officials these days that we just can’t whack up the motivation to put together the tar, feathers, and a rail necessary to run a Senator out of town. If you were to drop your pants at a state fair and violate a butter sculpture of a goat, we’d still patiently wait for you to play the “My lovely daughter Joycelyn needs some dental work and I’ve chosen to resign my seat so that I can properly focus on my family during this difficult medical crisis” card.

No, you really have to throw your shoulder into it. Don’t go halfway. Claim that if a so-called “rape” victim is impregnated by her “attacker,” then it almost certainly wasn’t really rape because women’s bodies don’t work that way. And that even in those freakishly-rare cases when the “victim” isn’t lying, she should carry the fertilized egg to term anyway.

That’ll do it for sure. Have your driver take you right from your Congressional offices to the Unemployment Office and then begin your cozy new lifestyle of sitting on your sofa, rockin’ the Playstation and waiting for that next sweet check to come in. Ka-CHING!

So I can only offer my congratulations to Congressman Akin, and my sympathies to anybody who encounters “JerkJiggler696969” in “Call Of Duty: Black Ops.” The man is about to finally secure the free time he needs to become one seriously dangerous mofo.

For the rest of us, let’s take a step back and recap what’s happened. A deeply stupid man in a position of great power and influence over the lives of all Americans demonstrates his codswalloping ignorance and idiocy. “This man should be run out of office,” you think. “He should never, ever be allowed anywhere near the dashboard of democracy. He’s such a complete moron that he shouldn’t even be allowed to stand behind a commercial deep-fryer while wearing a paper ‘Trainee’ hat.”

And then it turns out that the entire world agrees with you. Nobody, but nobody, is supporting him or giving him cover. Even his own political party is damn-near demanding that he drop out of politics. The lone voice of GOP support of any kind comes from a Republican congressman who has offered the use of his Dad’s Chevy van on the day he needs to clear out his Congressional office.

More than that: it’s not even sufficient for lawmakers to respectfully decline comment. Politicians of all sides are lining up in front of cameras and microphones to publicly underscore the fact that as deeply divisive and ideological modern politics has become, as desperate as both parties are to appeal to every last dark, crusty corner of their respective voting base, there is in fact a line that no politician dares to cross, and a calibre of stupidity that mustn’t be tolerated.

You know what? I worry that any minute now, Woody Allen is going to look into the camera and say “Boy, if only real life were like this!

14 thoughts on “How To Retire From Politics

  1. Ian

    Andy, here’s the thing: this wasn’t a one-off from someone beyond the pale of civil discourse. Some elements of our political culture have been saying the same thing for decades:

    Perhaps the Akin moment will prompt people to begin to truly pay attention to our political discourse and realize that people in positions of real power are saying some pretty crazy things. The reality is that people with views that were once considered way-beyond-the-fringe now have important roles in the Republican party and that, if elected, they have every intention of making public polic and/or legislation based on these views.

    There has been a lot of talk in recent years about political polorization and the epistemic closure on both sides. If Akin has been raising money primarily among conservative religious groups and talking only to Fox News, he might not have realized that these views still seem crazy to the vast majority of people in the US.

  2. Tony

    It seems that politicians on this side of the pond cannot resist walking into the hefalunp trap of talking about rape, even after they have had a warning example from America that very day. I would commend a google search of George Galloway and Assange to find out the details. There are some things even the best etiquette books don’t cover.

  3. Lamar

    In a just and sensible world, Andy, your comments concerning Representative Akin would be spot on.

    This is, however, not a just or sensible world, and Representative Akin is running for Senate in Missouri. Missouri, for dog’s sake.

    The one time Missouri showed anything resembling sense in politics was when they voted out Senator John Ashcroft and voted in Mel Carnahan, even though Mel had committed the usually problematic act of dying before the election. That was the ’90s, though.

    Now, it’s entirely possible that at least a simple majority and possibly a super majority of Missourians actually agree with Akin on pretty much everything. There’s a good chance that he will win the senate race this fall because even those embarrassed by Akin — both of them — hate President Obama and the Democrats more.

    We have a saying here. There are only two political factions in Missouri — the Right and the Far-Right. I shudder to say it, but there are a lot of people here who don’t have an issue with Akin.

  4. Dave

    You typed an awful lot just to lie about what the guy said. You didn’t need to lie. What he said was wrong and stupid. So stupid and wrong that just about everyone wants him to leave.

    I’m not defending what he said and he was wrong, but he’s trying to defend life. The life of the conceived child. AGAIN, what he said was wrong and stupid, and I’m not defending his stupid words, but it seems there is a huge difference in reaction when a Republican says something stupid and a Democrat says something stupid. Biden literally evokes slavery and that is ignored.

    Democrat Kerry Gauthier actually has sex in the bushes with a teenager 40 years younger than him and no one says a word about it. Unemployment is high, the national debt is spiraling to $16 TRILLION dollars, and Obama is ignoring the fact that Iran is screaming to the world about their daily plan to turn Israel into a glowing crater, but hey, let’s all focus on a few stupid words.

  5. Scott

    Dave, couldn’t agree with you more. There are plenty of stupid people and stupid words on both sides. The left side just seems to ignore theirs as if they never happened. I don’t see too many on either side defending Akin. But way too many seem to dismiss Biden.

  6. Ed Ever

    I got deja vu reading this. Like, tingly. Dunno what that portends exactly but I thought I’d mention it

  7. Gustav

    Scott, how can you start off by saying there are plenty of stupid people and stupid words on both sides, and then say “only the left ignores theirs.” The right and left has been ignoring stupid long before this Akin nonsense.

    The problem with partisan bickering is people choose the best of their side to defend in an argument, and the worst of the other side to argue against. If you want to have integrity, take the best arguments from the other side and argue against them. Just ignore the stupid; it’s irrelevant.

  8. Liberty Dogood

    In this “He/She with the most money wins” version of democracy, if this is the best government money can buy, I say we really need a complete over-haul:

    Here’s something I think would help:

    1a. A representative’s pay will be equal to the average income of the citizens they represent.


    1a and.. 1b. From now on, we select our representatives by random lottery. We can’t *possibly* do any worse.

    These seem to be the only alternatives left in the 21st century where money equals speech and more idiots vote for crap like American Idol than President.

  9. Andrew

    “dashboard of democracy” – a gem of a phrase, Andy. Democrats and Republicans; dancing Hula dolls and Madonna statuettes, strewn across Capitol Hill. Neither carry any air of legitimacy.

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