Why I’m Better Than The Banking Industry

…Unlike them, I put the stimulus and bailout funds back into the economy instead of using them for self-recapitalization.

Which is to say: I hit an ATM on Saturday and I’m paying one of the neighbor kids to de-blizzard my driveway today.

(Adopts heroic pose. Flag unfurls behind me. Eagle swoops in majestically and perches on my shoulder. Entire tableau is tinted gold by the sun breaking from behind rapidly-dissipating storm clouds.)