How I’m Going To Make Ten Million Dollars

It came to me in a flash of genius and I’m serenely confident that once you’ve read the following phrase, you’ll be falling over yourselves to get in on the ground floor and set me up with development funding:

“A Three Stooges game for Xbox Kinect.”

I KNOW, right?!?

The game story would hew loosely to the short “Three Little Beers.” The boys are beer truck deliverymen and they wind up crashing a golf tournament at a country club. So: we get the sports game and the driving game, and after the overloaded truck collapses, the “jump to avoid the barrels rolling down the hill” game.

It’s an “expanded universe” game. So: the reason why they want to get into the golf tournament is so they can win the prize money and marry their fiancées. We’re targeting a male demo, so we’ll be using the “three knockout 1940’s dames” version of the Stooges’ girlfriends, not the “Moe, Larry and Curly in drag” one. Nonetheless, they’ll be named “Lulubelle, Zuzubelle, and Julie-belle.” And the way the boys sneak into the country club in the first place is by posing as either plumbers or exterminators.

But honestly: the big draw will be the slapping and the hitting. What a fine workout you’ll get in the dominant role of Moe, trying to knock some sense into those two muttonheads. Your agility will be profoundly sharp as Larry, after hours of dodging Moe’s windmill head-thumps. And uh-oh! The band at the country club orchestra started playing “Pop Goes The Weasel!” It’s time for Curly to go all spazzy-mental! Deck anyone in a tuxedo! Don’t hit the women! And keep your eyes peeled for Moe or Larry…they’ll be trying to give you cheese to settle you down! But not before you drop to the floor of your living room and run at least a quarter mile in a horizontal circle, pivoting on your elbow!

Oh! And a dance game. There definitely needs to be a dance game where you have to match the Stooges’ leads. On the “easy” level you’re Larry. on “Expert” level, you’re Curly.

Unlockable characters: Shemp, Joe Besser, and “Curly Joe.” Actually, it’s not a reward. If you play badly as Curly, you lose the right to play Curly. You keep dropping down to lesser and lesser stooges until you either level up, or the game gets disgusted with you completely.

This one truly has it all. To hell with boxing and tennis and petting virtual cats. Wouldn’t you rather fire grapes into the mouth of an opera singer during the middle of a performance? Try to run up seven flights of stairs before the blocks of ice you’re carrying melt? Can even a lightsaber battle compare with the immersive glory of laying a virtual carpet in the middle of your own living room, seeing Moe sit down on your very own sofa, and then helping Larry pry virtual tacks out of his butt after Moe yelps in pain and Curly says “Oh! So THAT’s where I left those!”

Maybe I’m being conservative when I say I’ll make just ten million off of this.

I know that lots of different folks read this blog. If you’re in the gaming industry, I don’t need to remind you that the fact that I’ve published this as a blog post in no less authoritative medium than the internet means that nobody can use this idea without getting me on board and signing off on it. That’s not just me talking…that’s the law.

I await the arrival of your suitcases stuffed with cash.

18 thoughts on “How I’m Going To Make Ten Million Dollars”

  1. Oh man. This isn’t just a game idea. It’s a whole genre idea.

    Dad: Son, you can be Chevy this time if you want.
    Son: No dad, I want to be Steve again! I think I’ve got the ‘Excuuuuuuse me!’ arms down pat!

  2. Add a Vernon Dent boss battle and you’re good to go.

    Put it up on Kickstarter, Andy, and my credit card number is your credit card number.

  3. I’m not your typical demographic for this game. I was kept summers & after school at my auntie’s house with rowdy boy cousins who were older and I was forced to watch Three Stooges everyday in the early 60s. I had to learn this humor or be a victim. Consequently, I can do the finger-snap-knuckle-roll-chin-wave smoothly, with perfect timing. Its a life skill. Dude, I’m in, sign us up on Kickstarter, I’ll dig dough outta the sofa cushions.

  4. I love this you are remembering to add 3 person online “cooperative” multi-player right? It has to have it.

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