OscarBlog 2009 – Stave 1

Live! From the set of “Tron!” It’s the 2009 Academy Awards!

No opening documentary-style montage? Hmm. Guess they really are serious about moving things along. But wait until 10:33, when we see the Salute To Chimpanzees In Cinema. Not to be confused with the Salute To Orangutans In Movies, which ran at 9:21.

Fashion watch: Hugh is wearing a proper tuxedo. Which means: black bowtie, closed-collar shirt, proper jacket and pants.

Opening number: good bit, playing on the lack of budget for big opening numbers. Hey, did you notice that the red carpet special DID NOT spend any time talking about how much money each of these gowns and shoes and jewels cost? Smart move, as the first commercial was a sad-faced man talking about how he’s been out of work for three months and was worried about losing his home and not being able to provide for his kids.

“…And we’re back, with Astoria Miller! Ms. Hathaway, I understand that you had all of your nose boogers removed and replaced with $4.2 million worth of yellow diamonds for tonight’s special night?”

Damn, that Hugh Jackman feller can sing and dance and mix it up with the audience. Great number, hugely entertaining…and it ended well before I was sick of it.

What a great choice in host. It’s a very special skill that’s hard to articulate. You can’t be there to express your hostility at never having been recognized yourself, you can’t be there to do your standup routine, you can’t be there with the intention of giving the world a chance to love you. You have to connect with the audience, put them at ease, and let them feel as though they’re in on the fun.

Montage of Actress acceptance speech. Wow, they didn’t include the bit from Vanessa Redgrave’s acceptance speech where she speaks of “not bowing down to Zionist hoodlums.”

I hope they also include Paddy Cheyevsky’s response to that speech, which he made up on the spot when presenting Best Original Screenplay shortly after VR cleared the stage.

Okay, Tilda Swinton looks she’s wearing one of the original designs from an episode of “Project Runway.” Early episode. Before they’ve weeded out all of the art-school losers from the competition. Seriously, a brown dropcloth?

Crimeny, I’m confused. Why are all these actresses on the stage, calling out all these actresses, and praising their performances? If they do this for everything including Best Sound Design and Best Foreign Animated Film…wow, unroll your sleeping bag because we’re going to be here until Tuesday.

GET ON WITH IT, for God’s sake! This is like when there’s an office birthday party for all the staff birthdays of the month…and they make you all sing “Happy Birthday” 17 times!

Penelope Cruise seems to have won…oh, right, an Academy Award. I was so bored during the individual tributes to all of the nominees that I sort of forgot what I was up to.

And after all of that, I bet Cruise gets “played off” after 30 seconds before she can properly thank her parents and other family members.

I sense a great disturbance in the Force that keeps people tuned into the Oscars all evening…

Have they decided to turn the Oscars into a 14-episode reality series for Bravo? Because otherwise, I don’t know how they’re going to get through everything. It’s as if they looked at the 18 hour Super Bowl pre-game, game, and post-game and said “We can beat that. Oh, we can beat that, easy.”

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