Every time they come back from commercial with that crane shot — the one which starts on what appears to be a huge Oscar statuette perched on the balcony — I think “Wouldn’t it be both tragic and hilarious if the crane knocked it off its mountings and 18 fabulous Hollywood celebrities were crushed to death under an enormous Oscar statuette?”
I mean, there would be so many ways to describe the irony that your brain would probably kernel-panic or something.
Best Score. I had no clue about this one. When I make my personal picks, I usually choose the score that I could actually remember. I’m sure these were all fine scores but this year, I would have been reduced to taking a guess.
Winner is “Atonement.” The Hilary Clinton of the Oscars. Blasted out of the starting gate looking strong, but faded fast halfway through the race.
Tom Hanks is wearing a proper tuxedo. Are you saying that you have a better idea of what’s proper attire for the Oscars than Tom Hanks?
He’s also dealing with male-pattern baldness appropriately. Your hair is thinning out and you think you don’t look your best? Okay, but trust me: any attempt — any attempt — to cover it up will make you look far, far worse.
Best documentary short subject. This is such a voodoo category that I’ve long since stopped trying to predict what happens. The voting totals are never disclosed but the pattern of winners leads me to think that every year, the voting is so close that it’s useless to try to identify anything that could be termed a front-runner.
“Freeheld” wins. This is another fairytale category. I honestly think that everybody has at least one brilliant short documentary in ’em. So many of these Oscar winners started their journey with the thought “You know what? It’d be a lot of fun to try, and it wouldn’t cost me more money than I can afford to pay off over the next couple of years…”
“Best Documentary Feature.” This is careful chess. War film, war film, Michael Moore “documentary,” war film, movie with the word “War” in the title but it actually seems like it’s a very cheerful film.
“Taxi To The Dark Side” wins. Thank heavens. I have the same thoughts about Michael Moore in a documentary award process as I had about Bush in the past two elections. “I don’t care…just not that guy. Please, God?”