Super Bowl LiveSnark Part 3

Martin Lawrence reaches the next inevitable signpost in the career of any successful standup comedian: he has graduated to making the sort of movie where the trailer features shots of him falling down a lot and getting clobbered in the groin.

Long dramatic reading of the Declaration of Independence. This special presentation is brought to you courtesy of…FOX’s desire that you not go to the bathroom or the kitchen during the actual commercials.

Man alive…Tom Brady looks like he came here not just to win, but to deny the Giants a victory. Veeeeeer intense expression.

“Next Sunday! FOX will pre-empt ‘The Simpsons’ yet another week, to show you a meaningless exhibition football game that doesn’t count for anything! Just as a final **** you to everyone who doesn’t watch football!”

That “Walter Payton Man Of The Year” statue presentation would be much more stately if (a) it didn’t take place when everyone’s impatient for the game to start; (b) the crowd weren’t booing at the holdup; (c) the statue didn’t look like it was made out of milk chocolate.

The Giants have won the coin toss. Cool. So at least they go home having won something. 310,000 expected at Giants’ victory parade on Tuesday as the players giddily pass the coin from one to another and lift it above their heads in triumph.

Report: Tom Brady says that his ankle is “pain-free.” It’s hard not to note that the phrase “pain-free” isn’t the same as the word “healed.” Is the Patriots’ team doctor Dr. House?

These Ford Pickup commercials got way cooler ever since they got the “Dirty Jobs” guy to host them and the “Mythbusters” guys to think of different rigs to put the trucks on.

Bud Light “Breathe Fire” commercial. Absolutely pointless. “How about a spot in which we claim that Bud Light gives you the power to breathe fire?” “Okay…and then what? What’s the payoff?” “He breathes. Fire.” “And?” “I don’t follow you.”

Audi commercial. Parody of “The Godfather.” Must rewind to see if (a) that’s Alex Rocco (who played Moe Green in the original) in the Woltz role, and (b) they put automotive awards on the nightstand in place of Woltz’ Oscar (which would have been a cool touch).

Football got SO much easier to watch thanks to HD, on-field electronic graphical overlays, and the installation of those flyover cameras.

Pepsi Max “Wake UP, People!” head-nodding commercial — cool. Also good to see Chris Kattan get some work.

The idea of having to make a living by cold-calling people and selling them things fills me with such kidney-rippling horror that I can’t even focus on these “SalesGenie” ads. Through the gaps in the fingers over my eyes I can tell that they kind of suck, though.

Bud Light commercial with guys sneaking beers into a party using a big wheel of cheese. Another utterly pointless one. What is it about the Bud Light account that makes people just completely stop thinking? (Maybe it’s the Bud Light).

UnderArmour sporting togs commercial. You can’t put your spokesperson on a huge video screen in a Super Bowl ad without making people think of your competitor’s way-sexier proxy running in and smashing your message with a hammer.

Bridgestone commercial with all the animals screaming as a car bears down on a squirrel…cute.

I’m not sure if the Super Bowl is the proper place to try to get some airplay for a young female acoustic singer-songwriter. But hey, it’s Doritos’ money, not Kina Grannis’…

5 thoughts on “Super Bowl LiveSnark Part 3”

  1. Eh, I liked the Bud Light cheese commercial! You’ll have to tell me though why, the ad for the halftime show says “bridgestone halftime show….coming up at halftime.” uh, yeah.. I got that the first time.

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