And Eva Longoria is DOWN at the red carpet’s ten-yard line!!!

Wait…the Super Bowl now has a red carpet?

For the love of God…why?

The glitz, the glamour of the people who play football and the starry-eyed folks who watch it? Trust me…I’ve just turned on the TV and I can verify that none of it is in evidence.

In fact…oh, dear. As I write this, there’s a pre-taped bit of business in which actors dressed as Giants and Patriots fans are on the Universal backlot and they’re doing some sort of dance number.

No, no. This won’t do. The only way to do a Super Bowl Red Carpet would be for Fox to handle it the exact same way they’d handle any other red carpet event.

“Coach…coach! Folks, it’s Special Teams assistant-coach and a Hall-Of-Famer himself, Jim Hzorczk. Coach, what are you wearing tonight?”

“I think this is one of the jackets my ex bought me at JC Penney.”

“Er…can we get a look at that label?”

“Yeah, here: ‘The Johnny Carson Collection.’ I’m pretty sure Bush was President when she got it. The first one, I mean. You’d never know, the way it’s held together over the years. I think it’s thanks to the suede patches on the shoulders and elbows.”

“And those are some pants you’ve got on there, Jim.”

“Well, about an hour ago I rummaged through my hamper and bang, there they were. They were fresh as a daisy after ten minutes in the dryer with a fabric softener sheet.”

“Yup, I can see it stuck to the back of your leg.”

“It’s ‘April Rain’, Ryan. The good people at ‘Bounce’ have crafted a fragrance that’s the soundtrack to my life.”

“And where can your fans see you in the coming weeks?”

“Where can they see me? Well, if we win, I’ll probably be at Golden Spur Pawn on ‘K’ Street getting my ’84 player Super Bowl ring out of hock. And if we lose, I’ll probably be at Golden Spur Pawn to find out what they’ll give me for my ’87 MVP ring.”