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Photoshop Disasters: The Home Game

A lovely photo of Boston's Public Garden, with two swans sliding into a calm lagoon and a 140-year-old iron footbridge in the background.

A nice little shot of Boston's Public Garden. The Public Garden is a much more quiet and peaceful place before the tourists and bridal parties descend.

I’m a big fan of the Public Garden (the oldest public horticultural garden in the USA) and a few weeks ago I decided to make a special early-AM trip out there to do some Serious Photography.

I got some nice shots. But I haven’t really posted anything on Flickr yet. Why?

Yes, of course: I’ve become a Button Freak. Like Oskar Schindler at the end of the movie, wandering in a daze, paralyzed by the thoughts of everything else he could have done, I keep looking at these shots and thinking “But there must be a way I can restore the blown-out highlights in that sky.”

(So where is my adoring biopic? Well, okay: Schindler had to wait 50 years for his. Plus, he saved a whole lot of people’s lives. I guess I’ll just have to wait my turn.)

There comes a point at which Photoshop, Aperture, and The Ambition To Produce A Lovely Pick-cher become handicaps to the amateur photographer. This shot of the swans — a lovely lesbian couple; you should meet them sometime — is probably my favorite of the series and a case in point. I can’t stop tweaking it. I went from “I like it; I’m going to include it among the 20 I’ll post to Flickr” to “I like it; I’m going to export it from Aperture and edit in Photoshop, for more control” to “I really like it; I think I’ll make an 11×17 print of this” which ultimately landed me at “If I’m going to be staring at this on my wall for years to come, then this ought to be perfect.

Next stop: bedlam. Now’s a good time to start stowing any personal electronics because we should be landing there shortly.

I thought I was done working on this photo, honestly. But then I spotted a problem. I wonder if you can spot it, too.

At least an addiction to Photoshop isn’t like an addiction to plastic surgery. With both problems, you don’t know you’ve gone too far until you’ve gone too far. But unlike Joan Rivers, I can undue the damage I’ve inflicted upon what God created by simply hiding a few adjustment layers.

Categories: Photography, photo.

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Apple’s Magic Trackpad – Just the start of the magic trick?

Apple press photo of the Magic Trackpad input device. A small aluminum pad next to a Bluetooth keyboard, with a hand on the pad.

Apple's new Magic Trackpad makes me wonder what it's really meant to connect with.

Photos of Apple’s new Magic Trackpad leaked a while ago. If it were any other company’s product, it’d have been a slam-dunk sneak peek. But this is Apple; nothing’s released until it’s released. Or at least officially announced.

Compare and contrast this with PC makers who indiscriminately spray new products into crowds of terrified consumers, or (God help us all) Microsoft. I sometimes wonder if Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer is Tyler Durden from “Fight Club.” Tyler takes to the stage once or twice a year to show off “Exciting! Revolutionary! GAME-CHANGING!!!” new Microsoft software and hardware. He’s energetic! Aggressive! Confident! He has a PLAN!!!!!!!

…And then a month later, meek, rudderless Steve Ballmer watches the video in shock. I…I said that?!? It’s insane! I must be stopped! Lo and behold, nearly everything that Interesting Steve announced in the 2010 CES keynote has been scrapped.

Not Apple. Unless you want to counter-argue that maybe Steve Jobs’ Tyler Durden personality completely took over while he was in high school and never let go. If so, cool; let’s order a pitcher of drinks because we’ve hit upon a good topic for group discussion.

So: Magic Trackpad. It was released this morning, along with updates to the iMac line and a new Cinema Display. And, surprisingly, a new Apple AA battery charger whose main feature seems to be that after your batteries have been topped off, it draws 10% of the power of other AA chargers.

On its own, the Magic Trackpad is sort of an ordinary release. It’s a big notebook-style trackpad, built as a separate Bluetooth input device so that it can be used with desktops. Nice idea. I’ve had Wacom’s Bamboo tablet for a while now and I love it. Resting your hand on part of your desk and just tickling a surface is a quick and natural way to control the cursor, and you can set up the Bamboo with multitouch gestures for launching and switching apps, selecting tools…pretty much anything that a sane man could want.

A little trackpad like this is also a handy compromise for folks who sort of want a tablet input but can’t justify the expense. I use the Bamboo to sign documents and it’s also lets me “fingerpaint” edits to photos and artwork, either via my fingertips or a precision stylus.

Neat. The Magic Trackpad goes a little further in that it natively supports MacOS touch gestures. It’s not a “special” input device powered by unique drivers; it just is, so to speak.

Nope, I don’t have one yet but I expect I’ll have one shortly. So a hands-on review will have to wait until I get my hands on one.

Still, the existence of this device invites me to strap on the long, salt-and-pepper fake beard that I keep on a special peg next to the desk for just these sort of beard-stroking opportunities.

I think this device articulates their faith in multitouch interfaces. Across the board.

  1. It’s a “bridge” device that enables every MacOS device to have a multitouch input. If Apple were to develop more aggressive multitouch support for MacOS 10.7, they’d need to have this sort of device on the price list and out in the field. I don’t think that a multitouch revolution is necessarily appropriate for a desktop OS, but building a big, standalone trackpad gives MacOS engineers a certain amount of liberty to be bold.
  2. Bluetooth means that it’ll work with anything Apple’s got going. The fundamental connection between a human being and an iPad will always be “fingers on a screen.” But a Bluetooth multitouch surface expands the reach of the iPad by at least making it possible to (for example) tether your iPad to a conference room projector but control it via a pocketable $69 device. It also makes it easier to use the iPad as a home audio or video component.
  3. AppleTV just got realllllllllly interesting. Existing AppleTVs — the one Apple product you’ve forgotten about, the one that sits at the back of the class and never raises its hand — are MacOS devices. They’re controlled via IR remotes and thus they require line-of-site between the device and the operator. With the Magic Trackpad in the product lineup, Apple could completely reinvent the AppleTV as a device that hides somewhere behind your TV, runs a new flavor of iOS, and ships with a Magic Trackpad instead of a clickybutton remote.

Mind you, I’m not speculating about a new AppleTV that looks and feels like a TV/HDMI version of the iPad. I’m imagining something with a UI built for a TV screen, to be viewed and interacted with from ten feet away.

Even if we leave aside any changes to the AppleTV’s inputs or UI, the big benefit of moving AppleTV to iOS would be that it’d instantly allow the device to take advantage of the huge iOS development ecosystem. The work that iOS developers have put into iPhone and iPad apps could go into AppleTV apps as well. The biggest problem with the AppleTV has always been the tame and provincial nature of its feature set. Two months after Apple releases iOS dev tools for it, those problems would disappear.

And what’s the point of designing a brand-new, iOS-optimized, fast but power-saving A4 CPU if you’re not going to stick one inside everything you’ve got going?

It’s all speculation (which is why this is on my blog instead of Someplace Reputable). And the calmer, more rational line of thought is that Apple could transition AppleTV to iOS and the A4 processor without a new multitouch wireless input device. Still, the Magic Trackpad does inspire one to dream, doesn’t it?

Categories: apple.

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Testing, testing…not much to see here.

Kitchen counter with a pizzelle maker and fresh-cooked cookies.

I seem to make pizzelles every time I have a half-dozen eggs that need to be used before their expiration date.

Here’s where my workday gets bogged down. I’m preparing my review of Flipboard, the iPad news/Twitter/Facebook/magazine app which has caused much excitement since its release a few days ago. I’ve seen the next “Billboard” rankings and I can now announce that Flipboard has knocked “Come On Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners from its #1 position after six weeks at the top of the chart.

“But does the app follow every embedded link in the designated Twitter stream,” I wondered, “or just a few specifically-supported kinds?”

I’m in communication with Flipboard Central but as I prepared to ask that very question via email I thought “…Or I could just post a series of tweets with various kinds of links to the same page, and see what happens.”

(Or, I could do both.)

Thus requiring A Page Wot To Link To, and thus Content For That Page Wot I’m Linking To.

Viz: this.

Sorry to have troubled you. There really wasn’t much to this post, was there? Hang on, perhaps a bit of snark will make this whole enterprise worthwhile?

Box of Kashi "Good Friends" cereal. Two women are smiling on the box, looking very phony.

Your box of seething hate.

This was so ghastly that I had to take a photo. Kashi: this is 2010, not 1947. We all know that your company image is just a marketing angle. I see a box like this and I picture an alcoholic marketing executive barking at his team.

“The fiber cereal…the name ‘Two Friends’ got the best response with the focus group. Put two faces, you know, friends, on the front of the box. What? No, not guys, you ****ing moron!!! Broads. If it’s two guys people will think it’s a gay cereal or something. And make ‘em different races. The hippies will eat that s*** up. I don’t give a **** which race. Whatever. Just make sure one of them’s white. But I want to see the polaroids first to make sure you idiots don’t go ****ing crazy and use a fat chick or something.”

I mean, honestly. You can air as many commercials you want with chirpy, enthusiastic Kashi Food Researchers traveling far and wide and respecting local cultures and it just reinforces the image of a company run by men who keep trying to see if they can get the company to sponsor a Kashi Spokesmodel Bikini Team.

(Not for promotional purposes. Just for the office.)

Advertisers hope that their ad will cause me to make an irrational, emotion-driven purchasing decision. But every single time they succeed, my decision is “never give this company any of my business.”

Categories: yellowtext.

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Mr. 10,000 (Tweets)

The Andy Ihnatko 10,000th Tweet Live Video Spectacular from Andy Ihnatko on Vimeo.

After three years, 10,000 Tweets, and being followed by more than 35,000 people, I still don’t have a good answer to the question “But what’s the point of Twitter?” I’ve come up with two responses that work.

Apparently, Twitter is either a boat or a sliver of soap, depending on who’s asking me and who’s listening.

If my audience sincerely and earnestly wants to understand Twitter, I tell them “It’s like a boat. Anybody can use a Twitter account just for fun. A much smaller percentage are leading the kind of lives in which it’s actually useful. And a tiny, tiny fraction are making money with the thing.” If it’s a conversational kind of request, I say “Think of that sliver of soap left in the dish. That’s a single Tweet. All by itself, it’s worthless. Squeeze lots of them together, and you’ll eventually have something with weight and substance.”

But I guess Twitter is like my iPhone 4. Sometimes the best endorsement you can make — and the only endorsement that really matters — is the simple fact that you use the hell out of this thing, and that your week would be very, very different without it.

I got a taste of that over the past few days. For the past couple of weeks, I’d been aware that I was nearing my 10,000th Tweet. I knew I wanted to do something a little bit special for #10,000. Eventually I got to #9998, which meant that I had just enough shots left to announce what I was going to do and then to do it…which also meant that I couldn’t Tweet anything at all until I figured out what those things were going to be.

Behold, The Answer: I did my 10,000th Tweet on Ustream. Click away, but I should warn you that there’s an Anthony Newley impression coming.

“What should my 10,000th Tweet be?” I wondered. I came up with a halfway decent “140-character novel.” Naw. I thought about just being sincere and sweet and thanking the folks who’ve supported my work in various ways. Mmm…naah. When the right idea came, I instantly recognized that there could be no more appropriate way to crystallize my previous 9,999 Tweets.

But yes, these Big Plans meant that I had to stop Twittering for a few days, to preserve the #10,000 slot. Going without Twitter for 72 hours served to remind me about the things I most enjoy about the service.

I missed the ongoing communication with the people who read my columns and listen to my podcasts. There’s an immediacy and a conversational tone to the Twitter timeline that doesn’t exist in any other medium. I like responding to questions and I also like hearing good and bad reactions. Either way, comments are usually to the point, and valuable.

I missed those little moments of time with my friends. If I could afford to send each of my friends one of those baskets of fresh fruit cut into flowery shapes a few times a week, I could. Commenting on a particularly cool of interesting tweet of theirs is close enough, though it really does next to nothing to combat the spread of scurvy and The Ghost Disease among the geek populace.

Not Tweeting has been a little like watching milk go bad in my fridge. Little things pop into my head and maybe they’re of no use to anybody, but they’re fun little strings of words. Twitter is the only place where I can post them, really, and if I try to “save them up” for a later date, they go completely stale after sitting in my head for so long. “I was acting on impulse” isn’t a great explanation for why you did something stupid, but it’s still a hell of a lot better than having to admit that yes, you thought about it for two or three days and it still seemed like a solid idea. This admission is often the precursor to a fiancee maintaining her composure just long enough to twist the engagement ring from her finger and fling it at you with enough force that you’re going to want to apply a little Bactine to the wound.

I don’t feel like I’ve done all I can for something I’ve just written and published until I’ve Tweeted a link. And here we get to the Business end of Twitter. I was looking through my Flickr feed the other day, specifically looking for “orphan” photos that haven’t been organized into any existing photoset before. It’s not hard to figure out why some of these have received just four or five hundred views over the course of a year and another one got 2,000 in just a week: I Tweeted a link to one of them.

I create and publish things for many different reasons and they vary from item to item but yes, somewhere in the back of my mind “I’d like people to see this” is always on the list. I can come up with what I think is an interesting idea, research and write it well, edit it carefully, and publish it. But I’ve got this list of 35,000 people who at some point clicked a button to indicate that they’re somewhat interested in the stuff I post. Until I’ve posted a link to Twitter, I feel like the job is only partially-complete. If it fails to catch on, it fails to catch on…but just like sending a kid off to school with a good, hot breakfast in his or her belly, I feel as though I gave this piece every reasonable advantage.

And Twitter just keeps getting more and more important. Yesterday, I downloaded the sort of app that gets all of my Nerd Parts tingling. Within the first ten minutes of using Flipboard and linking it to my Twitter account, it seemed as though writing a review of it became the most important thing that I would ever do. Phrases like “From now on, instead of vaguely talking about the future of magazines and newspapers, we should just point to Flipboard and then break into discussion groups” and “This free app will justify at least $150 of the money you spend for your iPad” came straight to mind.

(When I feel this exuberant about something…yeah, I quickly realize that I need to calm down and see how I feel after a few more days.)

Screenshot of iPad app Flipboard, showing a collection of articles from various sources.

Flipboard: it really feels like the way I'll be getting 80% of my news from now on.

Still! What a brilliant idea. I follow about 250 people on Twitter. This is, exclusively, a list of people and institutions whose opinions matter to me (actual friends, and writers or publications who regularly write things that I want to read). Their Tweets are of interest to me. These people also often Tweet links to articles and other content that they think is valuable.

Flipboard strip-mines your Twitter follows for content and links, and assembles it all into a beautiful digital magazine of fresh content. I’d say it’s almost “suspiciously” beautiful. Like the Mechanical Turk, it’s hard to imagine that this on-the-fly design and layout is the result of an automaton working without human intervention.

It’s not a Twitter client, really. But yes, you can reply to Tweets and Star the original posts and whatnot.

The app was just released a day ago, so details are still a little sketchy. In addition to linking to Twitter and Facebook, there are “curated” channels whose sources are managed by the Flipboard team…and other social-media sources are coming soon. I almost wore out some of the glass on my iPad tapping and searching for a way to add my Flickr feeds to FlipBoard; a “National Geographic”-style viewer for all of my friends’ photos is going to be a killer feature.

When I first tried Twitter (let’s see: “March 22, 2007″ — oh, my…were we ever that young?) I dismissed it as just a useless micro-trend. Then my friends started to join, and it became entertaining. Then, it somehow became important. I truly value the Twitter infrastructure. I’ve never been interested in playing the Numbers Game; having a certain number of Followers doesn’t motivate me. It’s the connections represented by the 282 people whom I follow and the 35,589 people who follow me that I rely upon. It’s not something that can be engineered. It has to be grown over time.

I had an awareness of the value of the unique shape of this thing called “my peculiar use of Twitter” before Flipboard was released. Flipboard is just the first app that makes that value so tangible.

Well, then. The next milestone, I think, will be 50,000 Twitter followers. I have at least a couple of years to think about how I’m going to mark that occasion. I hope to do something big but even so: expect a cash bar.

Categories: Twitter, video, yellowtext.

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iPhone 4 Press Conference – The Post-Game Wrapup

Man seated inside a really weird blue antenna test chamber, holding a phone.

One of Apple's anechoic test chambers.

Okay, let’s start off with a roundup of links:

I think I said nearly everything I had to say in my Sun-Times piece. But my main goal was to get something useful online within the next hour or so, and my secondary goal was to beat my career high score for grammatically-correct sentences (28%). So maybe I can still add a few bits and pieces.

First, let’s see how well I did with my predictions this morning. I definitely got the broad strokes right. The prepared presentation was short. There was no product recall; Apple defended the iPhone, chiefly by offering hard numbers that indicate that the antenna problem — whatever it is — is being talked about far more than it’s actually being experienced by real users.

I didn’t think Apple would offer free bumper cases. I also thought Apple would give some airtime to all of the iPhone’s spiffy new features, making the point that the iPhone 4 is way more than just a radical new antenna design. But nope, they stayed on the message of the antenna.

I score myself a B+.

On the whole, I think Apple did great. I can’t get myself worked up about the antenna issue. I’m simply not seeing the widespread user complaints that I normally associate with a functional defect in a product. Nobody understands if it’s a design problem, a firmware issue, or just the same articulation of the old problem that all iPhones experience with AT&T coverage in spotty areas. I certainly don’t think it’s a big enough issue to forego all of the iPhone 4′s advantages. I don’t experience the issue when I hold it normally. Plus, when you slap it in any kind of case, the problem disappears entirely.

I do fault Apple for pressing the “all phones have this problem” button so hard. They showed video of several other phones losing signal when gorilla-gripped. Fine, but I experienced this issue with the iPhone 4 moments after unboxing it and I couldn’t reproduce it with other phones. It probably would have been smarter for Apple to simply note that all phones have “dead” spots, and then move on. Though I appreciate that it suits Apple’s purposes to have actual video of other phones losing signal

To Apple’s credit, they did acknowledge that the iPhone 4′s dropped-call percentage is higher than the iPhone 3GS’s, citing statistics they got from AT&T a few days ago. It seems like a marginal difference (it’s worse by one call in a hundred, according to Apple), but it’s definitely there. And if you live in a poor coverage area, the iPhone 4 can be the difference between a phone that rarely drops a call and one which does it frequently.

I’d also say that in retrospect, the post-presentation Q&A was a mistake. They should have deliverred their message, ended the show, and then sent everyone outside for complimentary coffee and danish. During the Q&A, Apple said a lot of things that seemed defensive. Nobody likes it when the prom queen complains that everyone hates her because she’s so very pretty and popular.

Jobs also complained about how the press has handled this story. He did make some valid points, though, and with fresh memories of the head of BP complaining that he “just wanted to get his life back,” I think it has to be kept in perspective.

(Steve did haul his ass away from a Hawaii vacation. Hell, he could have FaceTimed this one in.)

It was…interesting…that he described the publication of his emails to customers as “rude.” I suppose that could be true, on the basis that these people have been sharing his personal emails. But did he honestly expect people not to brag about getting a personal response from the CEO?

Onward:

Steve Jobs didn’t fall to his knees, rend his garment, clasp his hands together, and beg for forgiveness from users and stockholders.

This has upset many people.

These people are idiots.

Consumer Reports, for their part, hasn’t changed their position on the iPhone. They’re still “not recommending” the iPhone 4. I don’t think they’re idiots. But I do think they’re wrong. They’re pointing to antenna tests in which they can cause the iPhone 4′s signal to drop to zero bars by bridging the famous gap between the antennas.

Swell. That fact needs to be reported. But is that the whole story?

Questions:

  1. Does Consumer Reports understand the nature of the problem? They claim to have tested the antenna scientifically but haven’t (as far as I can tell) broken any new ground beyond “If you bridge the gap, you lose bars.” Is it a hardware issue? A software issue? A mere ergonomic issue?
  2. It’s a repeatable, reliable demo. But are iPhone users likely to encounter an actual problem? I did a 20-minute phone interview with PBS this afternoon and I did it on an uncased iPhone 4. I didn’t even think twice about it.
  3. Assuming that a specific consumer regarded the antenna problem as a dealbreaker: if there were a way around the problem, would the iPhone then be worthwhile? I say yes, absolutely. Take away “there’s a slightly greater chance that it might drop a call” and you’re left with a phone with a huge laundry list of advantages over every previous iPhone and most other phones. Including, might I point out, better reception than the iPhone 3GS.
  4. Is there a way around the problem? Yes. Put it in a case, which is something lots of people (myself included) were going to do anyway.

On that basis, I think Consumer Reports’ stance is extreme. Though in their defense, there’s a difference between “we’re not recommending it” and “we’re recommending that people not buy it.”

Reading their followup coverage, it appears that they can’t evaluate how well “iPhone with a case” works until they develop a separate test protocol; their standard test policy is to test the phone as-shipped by the manufacturer.

This is why I have occasional problems with Consumer Reports reviews. I think this is another instance in which the magazine is showing more loyalty to their standardized test procedures than to their readers.

Okay. So that’s another thousand words I’ve written about this thing today…on top of about 90 minutes of talking about it. I’ve done it.

And when I say “I’ve done it” I don’t mean “I’ve produced complete and thorough coverage of this interesting tech news story.” I mean “I am finally sick of hearing my own comments about the iPhone 4.” I hope I got there about 400 words ahead of the rest of you.

Categories: apple, iphone.

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What I’m Expecting From Apple’s iPhone 4 Press Conference Today

At this point, It almost seems like a bad made-for-TV-movie. “Not Without My Bumper Case: The iPhone 4 Story” began with leaked photos and tales of a drunk engineer leaving a secret prototype in a bar. And after months of twists and turns (including a boffo scene where a SWAT team broke down a door) it’s taken us to a hastily-organized 1 PM Eastern Time press conference at the Cupertino campus, where Apple will address the phone’s problems.

So I guess Consumer Reports’ iPhone 4 coverage this week was the final straw for Apple. The magazine, for its part, was very thorough: they first announced that they couldn’t recommend the iPhone 4 to its users, and then announced that it was the highest-scoring phone they’ve ever tested.

Ah. Well, that clears that up, then.

No, no. Consumer Reports’ reviews are always very Spock-like. That’s a good thing and a bad thing. It means that they like charts and bullet points and testing methods and people in lab coats holding clipboards and checking things off. You want data? They can give you freakin’ data. The bad part: “damn you and your Vulcan logic…an ability to quantify something via cold logic doesn’t equate an ability to understand it!!

My own vote on the iPhone 4 and its troubles was cast after my formal review. Apple sent me some loaner hardware to try out. I tested it very thoroughly and talked to a lot of users about their personal experiences. I was aware of every problem with the iPhone 4…and still, I didn’t choose to cancel my order for my own hardware.

For those of you tuning in late, the big-marquee problem with the iPhone 4 is with its reception. The moment I unboxed the iPhone and held it in my hand, I noticed something odd: bars of coverage would sometimes slowly drain away down to zero. It was so odd that I put the iPhone 4 down on the table next to my iPhone 3GS so that I could photograph the difference in displayed reception but as soon as I got my shot framed just right, zooop! the iPhone 4 would be back to full strength.

Eventually, I realized that it happened whenever I held the iPhone snugly in my left hand. If the skin of my hand was pressed against the lower-left corner of the device, I’d lose signal. Shift the phone just a little, and they came back.

Everyone’s attention immediately focused on the iPhone 4′s Bold New Antenna Design. The metal band around the phone isn’t just decorative. It’s a stainless steel frame that supports all of the phone’s components, and two of its sections are, in fact, antennas. It appeared that bridging the gap that separated those two antennas did something to the antenna’s performance.

So: defective antenna, right?

Umm…mmmmmmmaybe.

I don’t really know.

Neither does anybody else.

It’s an obvious conclusion but only Apple understands exactly how that antenna is tuned and how the phone’s firmware is supposed to handle reception issues. There are a lot of possible explanations for what’s happening.

Best-case possibility: like all phones, the antenna’s performance is influenced by what part of your hand is covering which part of the device. But unlike previous iPhones, the bit of software that tells the iPhone “Oh, we’ve just lost some signal…switch to this other channel, where the signal will probably be clearer” isn’t working properly. It’s like an automatic transmission that doesn’t realize it’s time to go into a higher gear. Furthermore, you won’t even notice the problem unless you’re already in an area with weak coverage. Solution: release an update to the firmware.

Worst-case: Bridging the gap turns the antenna from a Functional Antenna to a Decorative Piece Of Stainless Steel. It’s simply not possible to get a signal with the phone held that way. Solution: redesign the hardware.

This uncertainty is why I scoffed at reports last week from Noted PR Professionals who insisted that a hardware recall of the iPhone 4 is “inevitable.” Many of these pros don’t even work in technology.

I think the chances of Apple announcing a recall — or even announcing a voluntary “bring your iPhone 4 to any Apple Store and we’ll swap it out” program — are slim. It declares boldly and clearly and unequivocally “We shipped a defective product” and invites many MANY longterm and ongoing legal and PR problems for the company and the brand.

With such a severe downside, they’d only do a recall if they have to. And at the moment, it’s unclear that they actually have to.

There’s an important factor missing from Apple’s iPhone 4 scandale that separates it from the BP oil disaster or the freespirited nature of Toyota’s accellerator system: there’s no video of a baby dolphin coated in iPhone 4′s, slowly and adorably drowning despite desperate attempts to save its life. There’s no video of a crushed family crossover vehicle that raced straight into a bridge abutment because of a maniacal iPhone 4.

In a nutshell: the antenna issue is real and the “effect” (for lack of a better word) of bridging the two antennas is easy to replicate. But it’s a funny thing: we’re not seeing massive number of users complaining that they’re having problems with their iPhones. Instead, it’s an insanely well-selling phone. Even with the bad press in full swing, you’d have to wait weeks for your online order to be fulfilled.

And yes, while some folks are reporting that their iPhone 4s are dropping lot of calls, AT&T’s historically bad network performance helps Apple for once. Whoopi Goldberg can go on The View and rant about how her new iPhone frustrated her so badly that she chucked it out the window of her car. But (sad to say) that’s the tale of using an iPhone in New York City. Even users of other phones on other networks can relate to the problem of a call that mysteriously cuts off for no reason.

Mind you, I’m not saying that iPhone 4 hardware issues are imaginary. Just that the complaint “my new iPhone dropped my call” doesn’t ipso facto equate to “my new iPhone is defective.” More to the point: it doesn’t create the sense of urgency of disaster that would compel a big company to just recall a product without knowing for a gold-plated fact that it was defective.

Again: Toyota and BP needed to stop all of those videos of crashed cars and oil-slicked birds and crying people as soon as you possibly can, regardless of the cost. But Apple isn’t under that sort of pressure.

I have zero insider information…but here’s how I think today’s press conference will go:

  1. Apple will acknowledge all of the bad press. They will reiterate the “we were using the wrong formula for calculating bars of coverage; we’ve just released an update to fix that” announcement they made a week ago.
  2. They will specifically fault Consumer Reports’ conclusions. While stopping short of calling it poppycock, Apple will be very specific in explaining parts of the test protocol which they feel were poorly conceived or implemented.
  3. Apple will point out how many millions of iPhone 4′s they’ve sold, and how very few complaints they’ve received from actual users.
  4. Apple will say that they’re always interested in improving their products just as a general rule. They will point out that every product they’ve released has been followed up by a firmware update a few days, weeks, or months later, and perhaps even a Revision B hardware after they’ve collect data from millions and millions of user experiences over many months. Not because the original model was defective, but just to make a perfect device even perfect-er. They’ll say that they’re continuing to collect data about the problems that some of these users may or may not be having, and that they’ll make adjustments if they feel that’s necessary.
  5. While they have no plans to recall the iPhone 4, if any customer is having any problems, as always they can come into any of their (hugely successful) Apple Stores and talk to a Genius…at no charge, as always. Apple is top-rated for their customer service.
  6. (And now we start steering the ship away from “we might have a problem with our hardware.”) Apple will point out that the iPhone 4′s reception is actually far better than the iPhone 3GS, and will back this up with hard data.
  7. They will point out all of the other fantastic features of the iPhone 4: the screen, FaceTime (expect numbers on just how many people have been using it), the faster processor, maybe even data on the faster 3G download speeds (up to 4x improvement) along with improved WiFi and GPS (to underscore the “Wow, we have some awesome radios in this device and they all work great” meme).

20 minutes and done.

To sum up: no recall and no free bumper cases (putting the iPhone 4 in any sort of case completely solves the antenna problem). There will be no admission of any kind that Apple did anything wrong in the design of the iPhone 4. The only nod in that direction will be that it’s the nature of new technology that no matter how carefully and thoroughly you test it, you will always find ways of improving it later on and that any future firmware or hardware revisions to the iPhone 4 will be just par for the course.

I think the timing of this press conference is telling: it takes place at 1 PM Eastern time, which gives media and analysts plenty of time to get our stories out and the stock market plenty of time to react. If they were announcing a recall (or anything drastic) they probably would have timed it for 3 or 4 Pacific time…after trading closes, when the market would have 48 hours to fully digest the news and its implications, and avoiding a massive “We’d better sell some shares before everybody else sells some of their shares and drives the price down” response.

1 PM suggests a message of “The iPhone 4 is awesome, this is more of a PR problem than a hardware problem…and once we conclude this press conference, people will agree with those two statements.”

The fact that their doing this as a media event instead of just issuing a press release also indicates optimism on Apple’s part. A company would not, not not make a choice to let people have high-definition video of an executive saying “we screwed up.”

There’s another reason why Apple won’t do anything drastic unless they absolutely have to: their customer service truly is phenomenal. Individual Apple Stores have immense latitude when it comes to making customers happy. If a Genius feels as though you need to get your iPhone swapped out, they can just go ahead and do that without even checking with a manager.

I think this is a factor in how Apple chooses to respond to the situation. If — if — the antenna issue is a physical problem that requires a hardware redesign and the release of Revision B hardware, a showy, lawsuit-inviting PR disaster of a recall won’t be necessary. Any customer who is actually unsatisfied with their iPhone will come in to their local Store and complain. The Genius will say “Gosh, that’s too bad” and then swap out their hardware. If there’s no revised hardware, they’ll send them out with a free case.

I reiterate: this is just a guess. Apple simply knows that there are ways to make iPhone 4 users happy without having to issue a formal recall.

Instead of a huge breaking news story (“Apple recalls defective hardware! Run back to the Apple Store with your hellspawn phone!”) they can twist it into thousands of positive stories: “I’d been having problems with my iPhone for weeks. But the Store just swapped it for a brand-new phone, no questions asked. Remember when I had all those dead pixels on my Blackberry, and the guy at the phone store told me that they didn’t consider that a real problem and offered to sell me a new phone for $200 plus a $30 fee plus a two-year contract extension?”

But of course, we won’t know what’s what until the press conference.

I’ll refer you back to an earlier point: I knew about as much about the problems with the new iPhone as anybody. I had every opportunity to cancel my order but I let it stand. I’ve had “my” iPhone 4 for almost a week now and I couldn’t be happier with it. Part of that decision came from the conclusion that it simply doesn’t affect me. I keep my iPhone 4 in a case and once again, if it’s cased, the antenna problem doesn’t come up.

This iPhone 4 TV movie is still in progress. If it’s as cheesy as they come, it’ll end with the actor playing Steve Jobs on a boat, looking off into a sunrise, smiling, and hugging his wife (played by either Meredith Baxter or Sharon Gless, whichever one the network can get cheaper).

Categories: apple, iphone.

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Where would YOU paint an 11?

The San Diego Comic-Con (aka Comic-Con International) starts up in just a week or two. I’ve attended only once, back in 1999. I’ve always wanted to go back, but the show has become truly crazy-go-nuts-huge. Given that I almost certainly can’t line up a gig to cover my expenses, I suspect that after only my second day packed in a convention center with 125,000 people — at least 20% of whom will have probably never heard of The 5-2-1 Rule(*) — I’d be asking myself why I spent $1500 on a trip that didn’t involve white sand beaches, open spaces, and the possibility of spending less than $16 for a slice of pizza and a medium Coke.

A few years ago, my BFF John’s employer decided that taking a booth at Comic-Con was good for business, so he started attending Comic-Con on an annual basis. And on an annual basis, John urges me to join him. I’m always tempted as hell.

By now, I’ve got the choreography of my little “will I or won’t I?” Comic-Con dance down cold:

  1. John tells me that I should totally come with him this year.
  2. I tell him that I totally will.
  3. John asks for my final go/no-go, shortly before it’s time for him to book a hotel room.
  4. I chicken out. See previous point about $1500 and 125,000 people in a convention center.
  5. A week before the show, I’m wracked with regret; every friend of mine who’s attending is asking me if I want to get together at the show.
  6. Three days into Comic-Con, I’m wracked with anti-regret; every friend of mine who’s attending is Tweeting about the crowds and the noise and the bother and complaining about the general inescapable nimbus in the air.
  7. I decide that I’m totally attending next year.

And there’s one more annual tradition. It takes place somewhere between #5 and #6: “I come up with what I’m convinced is the most awesome Comic-Con costume idea that’s ever been conceived, or ever will.” This idea is usually beautiful in concept and easy to execute.

We’re right on schedule. If I were attending Comic-Con this year, I’d totally spend a day walking around dressed as this character:

I would walk the aisles in my bowler hat, striped shirt, spattered smock, and hi-top Chucks. I’d have a brush clenched between my teeth, a paint bucket in one hand, a precise number 5 in my other hand, and in my eyes you would see the darting, predatory look of a man on a mission. From time to time, I would hold the number against a plain surface. I would peer at it thoughtfully and then shake my head in disappointment and move on.

I realize that not many people would “get” this costume. But I’m certain that the 48 among the 125,000 attendees who did recognize the character would pack their bags and go home after getting their picture taken with me.

They’d (correctly) figure that the whole rest of the Con could only be a letdown. On their way to the door, they might stop just long enough to punch a Steampunk Stormtrooper Vampire in the throat. Sure, they were going to do that anyway, but they’d suddenly feel far, far more justified for doing so.

(Note to Stormtroopers: actually, I love your costumes. It’s just the “freestyle” sub-section of Star Wars costuming that makes me a little impatient for the Biblical apocalypse. 1,000 identically-uniformed Stormtroopers = an awesome display and a convincing simulation of what would happen if Lord Vader had tracked the Millennium Falcon to a comic book convention instead of a mining colony. 2 people dressed as “Sonny and Cher as Stormtroopers” = oh, honey. You’re very sweet, and I can see you put a lot of work into your Bob Mackie-inspired armor…but you’re really trying too hard.)

If you’re attending Comic-Con, you’re welcome to my costume idea. You’ll be my barometer for future attendance. If you show up in this costume and are not immediately presented with the key to the whole god-damned city, then the San Diego Comic-Con will be dead to me evermore.

(*) “The 5-2-1 Rule of Conventions”: During each and every day of a multi-day comics/pop-culture convention, you must get a minimum of 5 hours of sleep, 2 real meals, and 1 shower. NO exceptions, NO excuses.

Categories: Comix.

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Stupid lousy Food Network…

Baked Chicken, plated somewhat artfully.

Today’s been a pretty busy workday. I didn’t have time to make a big production of dinner. I just rubbed some olive oil and seasonings onto a chicken breast, sealed it in a foil pouch, and tossed it into the oven for twenty minutes…like I’ve done a thousand times.

But I’ve been watching a lot of Food Network shows recently. So when it was nearly time to pull the chicken out of the oven, I found myself squirting barbecue sauce into a soup spoon and then giving it a swoosh around the plate.

And when the chicken was done, I found myself slicing it into two pieces and arranging them artfully.

Stupid lousy fricking Food Network…

(Photo taken with my iPhone 4, with assistance from my video lighting rig…still in place after recording MacBreak Weekly an hour earlier).

Categories: Photography.

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More, on the Buttafuoco Point

Peaceful image of a gorgeous beach.

There were lots of neat replies to my previous post. There were so many good comments — not all of them positive — that I thought I’d elaborate:

I certainly have nothing against LeBron James, and I certainly don’t fault basketball fans for being interested in his announcement. You should be interested; following basketball is one of those things that gives you joy. It’s a favored pastime, it engages your intellect and your enthusiasm, and you like talking about this stuff with your friends.

I’m just as interested in news about the tech world (because that’s my job as well as a personal interest) and the comix world (because I’m simply a fan). I’m just as interested in news about Gail Simone’s next job or the poor bastard at Microsoft who greenlit the Kin as a basketball fan is in news about LeBron James’ next job. There’s nothing wrong with that; nothing at all.

The point is that there are certain stories — like “what’s LeBron’s next move?” — that somehow start off as news stories and become news products…and the electronic media sells (say) the Tiger Woods infidelity story just as competitively and aggressively as Coke and Pepsi sell colas. It’s something that news producers who work for TV and the Web have to struggle with. Viewer attention is both (a) fleeting and (b) very, very valuable. I think segment producers at CNN and FOX are just as sick of the latest Lindsay Lohan story as anybody else. But they know that if they don’t spend six minutes of every hour talking about it, viewers are going to turn to another channel that will.

Result: over-marketed stories that will follow you wherever you go for news.

There was a point when I simply became aware of how much time I was spending learning about stories that I had no interest in, and which couldn’t possibly influence my life in any way. I resented that I was being force-fed this useless information. If I wanted to watch a half-hour news program, I had to see three minutes of interviews with the judges at JonBenet Ramsey’s final beauty pageant and hear their opinions about how well she posed to “Achy-Breaky Heart.” That was the deal, it seemed.

The Buttafuoco shooting was the first time I sort of blinked hard and realized that I’m an idiot.

(Well, yes: I already knew I was an idiot, of course. Many people had been helpful enough to point that out to me. I just mean this was the first time I realized I was an idiot about this particular thing.)

As we so often do, I’d forgotten that (oh…right) I’m actually in control of my life. Instead of passively sitting through the next four minutes of speculation about Gary Coleman’s will, and complaining about how pointless it is, I could change the channel. It’s a pain in the butt, because the story’s only a few minutes’ long and the story after it might have been interesting and relevant to me. But it’s something that I can do.

Instead of thinking “I’m really not particularly interested in hearing about Mel Gibson’s latest Really Stupid Drunken Comment…but I’ve already read every other article in this copy of ‘People’, and the captain hasn’t said it’s OK for me to turn on my iPad yet,” I can choose to close the magazine and enjoy five minutes of peaceful thinking, without any distraction or visual stimulation.

The amount of background data noise that surrounds us has increased and intensified every year since the Buttafuoco Days. Can you remember a moment in the past 24 hours when you were completely free from outside stimulation? Is constant immersion in this kind of information like living under high-voltage power lines? Maybe we’ll have no idea of the damage this is doing to us until the damage becomes irreparable.

Redefine all of this unnecessary information as “distraction” and then ask yourself the question again. If you’re spending every waking moment distracting yourself…what are you distracting yourself from? What is your brain clamoring to tell you, if it were ever to get your full and complete attention?

An experiment: The next time you have a little time to kill and you instinctively go to your phone to launch your email client or your Twitter app or the web browser, launch the Clock app instead. Set a countdown timer for the amount of time you were going to spend in any of those activities (or ten minutes, whichever is shorter).

And then, put the phone in your pocket and do nothing until you hear the chime.

The thoughts that will come to you will probably be very surprising. Often, it’ll include thoughts that have been clamoring for your attention for days. And I’m not talking about reminders to pick up your dry cleaning, either.

I openly admit that when I was a lad and first I defined the Buttafuoco Point, it was a somewhat smug response to the inundation of needless media and noise. But at this point, I think of it as one of the most valuable user-installed upgrades to my life software.

I benefit far more from three minutes spent listening to my ceiling fan with my eyes closed than I do from the same amount of time spent reading about Lindsay Lohan’s dad’s reaction to her prison sentence.

Categories: ideas, philosophy, yellowtext.

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LeBron James and the Buttafuoco Point

LeBron James has officially reached my Buttafuoco Point.

Allow me to explain. Back in the Eighties, there was this doughy-looking guy by the name of Joey Buttafuoco and he was all over the news for, like, ever. He was cheating on his wife with a teenage girl, and the girl showed up at his house and shot his his wife, wounding her severely.

It was a terrible story. But there came a point when I realized that I kept getting more and more information about these people and their personal lives, despite the fact that I wasn’t seeking it out and I wasn’t the least bit interested.

I wasn’t pleased by this.

I came to define this phenomenon as the “Buttafuoco Point.” Name a huge national news story of little or zero national importance that’s taken place since the mid-Eighties. Chances are that I know the broad strokes of the story (a little girl was brutally murdered in her home; apparently she used to participate in beauty pageants) but little else.

Why? Because I made it a priority, and an admittedly childish point of pride, to try very hard to know next to nothing about stories like that one. This story doesn’t affect my life in any way and that’s never, ever going to change. It involves the personal lives of complete strangers, and, as the media outlets get more desperate to keep the story in play, an ever-widening circle of peripheral individuals. The only reason why the story even endures through news cycle after news cycle is because…

Okay, I’ve no earthly idea. Whatever: I’m not going to waste my time learning anything about this. I already know way too much about the lives of a bunch of total strangers and I won’t learn more, if I have any say in the matter. I’m going to just sit tight and hope that news outlets eventually stop wasting their time trying to cover it.

So LeBron James reached the Buttafuoco Point earlier today. I was vaguely aware of the name and started seeing it everywhere. Automatic defenses kicked in and any further knowledge of who the man is and why he’s in the news has been pre-emptively obliterated from my consciousness.

Here’s everything I know about him:

1) He’s a basketball player.

2) For some reason, he’s signing with a new team.

And I honestly don’t know why he’s doing that, or why it’s big news. In the back of my mind, I’m wondering if he’s that pro athlete who went to jail for being caught with an unlicensed handgun jammed in his pants. Has he just been released or something?

That’s all I can tell you. At some point, he’ll be appointed to a Cabinet post or design a new Android phone or I’ll develop an interest in basketball and maybe then I’ll willingly read more about him.

But until any of those things happen: BUTTAFUOCO’ed!!!! 

If this catches on, I’m turning the concept into a reality game show  for the FX channel. We’ll have a panel of contestants and the one who answers a series of trivia questions about Buttafuoco-style news stories the least-correctly wins the jackpot. 

(Currently seeking producing partners.)

Categories: yellowtext.

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Monitoring the Ongoing Abrading of Common Courtesy, Update #822

It’s been a while since I’ve updated the tote board on the most ambitious and unifying common goal of America — if not indeed the world — since JFK decided to put a man on the moon before the end of the decade: we must commit ourselves fully to eliminating all forms of basic courtesy from human society.

Yes, it’s a massive undertaking. Well, so was the building of the pyramids, right? And yet, if you visit Giza you’ll see these monuments to human determination, standing tall and proud. You’ll also find hundreds of vendors, hucksters and scammers and they’ll hound and pummel you so relentlessly that you’ll wish you never bothered to come at all…which indicates that the “eliminate all common courtesy” campaign already has found passionate international support. Yay, us!

For today’s project update, I point you to this piece in Lifehacker: “The Worst Email Habits and Annoyances You Should Avoid (or At Least Be Aware Of).” In it, selected Lifehacker readers nominate Bad Email Habits and indicate severe disapproval of the following:

1) Expressing “thanks” and/or embracing a generally friendly tone;

2) Not switching off a mobile mail client’s default signature, which indicates that this message was sent from a mobile phone;

3) Boilerplate legalese inserted by a workplace mailserver, usually when the sender’s employer is a law firm, accountancy firm, et cetera.

I fully agree with the fine, sensible findings of Lifehacker’s commentators. When someone says “thank you,” it’s clearly a brush-off and a pointed statement that you’re not worth their time. “Sent from my iPhone” means the sender is a pretentious jerk and that they don’t think you’re worth the time or effort of an office reply. And I’m not exactly sure why the commenters were offended by the concept of legal boilerplate, but I’m willing to have the sender shot just on principle, as a show of my solidarity.

Remember, everyone: we must stand firm against irrational and pathetically defensive responses to these sensible complaints. Be prepared to hear such claptrap as:

1) “Well, I wanted to convey that I was aware that reading and answering my email would take up the recipient’s time, and that I was grateful to the recipient for their effort. Besides, what could be wrong with saying ‘thank you’ to someone?”

or

2) “I just want the sender to know that if my reply is short, it’s ony because I have this tiny iPhone screen and keyboard to work with. I don’t want them to mistake my brevity for hostility, or lack of thought. I think sending them a short reply immediately while I’m on my way to work is more courteous than a longer reply in an hour when I get to my desk.”

3) “I really can’t do anything about that. I don’t run the mailserver.”

I know. What a bunch of d***s! How sad that these folks lack the character to hold themselves accountable for behavior which technically harms no one but of which we, personally, don’t approve.

Remember the Prime Directives of our glorious “no civility” undertaking:

  • You, personally, aren’t the most important person in the universe. You are the only important person in the universe.
  • There can be no excuse for anybody failing to adhere to your privately-held and poorly-defined expectations.
  • Never consider what life is like for anybody else. Filter everything that everybody else does through your own experiences and judge it against your random, ill-defined expectations of human behavior.
  • Remember: as the recipient of the right eye of Odin, you have all knowledge of all things, instinctively; trying to see something from another perspective is just a waste of your valuable time and patience.
  • If one of these idiots attempts to (oh for ****’s sake) defend their actions, you must react with either indifferent disdain or (better yet) outright hostility. Their so-called “explanation” can only be an attempt to bulls**t you. You’re too smart to let them trick you into double-guessing the validity of your immediate reaction to their choices; take immediate and violent offense that they even suggest that you’re not on to them.
  • By steering the discussion away from the topic at hand, and onto the subject of how much they offended you and how they must now make amends, you’re putting the focus right back where it belongs. See point one.
  • Above all: if this person wasn’t a total ass, then he or she wouldn’t have done that thing that you disapproved of.

Hold firm, everybody: we can have Hell on earth well ahead of schedule! Never doubt that a large group of thoughtless and selfish people can ruin the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.

Also, I’d like to post a reminder that the big annual Death To Common Courtesy Summer Mixer is a week from Thursday, in the Great Hall of the Museum of Modern Art, during regular Museum hours. Vuvuzuelas are mandatory this time. No shirkers!

Categories: yellowtext.

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Pinpointed By Timbuk2

Targeted By Timbuk2.jpg

In principle, I should be grateful for Targeted Marketing. Advertising isn’t annoying as a basic concept. It’s the “noise” of ads; the scattershot approach that results in everything you see and hear getting contaminated by useless information. I’m not interested in refinancing the home I don’t own. Even if I were, I’m not sure if I’d go with a financial institution whose most impressive credentials seem to be that they can afford to hire someone to produce Flash animation of a leprechaun farting dollar bills.

But if I start seeing a lot of Google Ads for deals on micro four-thirds lenses, my sequence of reactions would go like this:

1) “Oh. I bet that’s because of all those websearches I did last week.”

2) “Gee, that’s kind of creepy.”

3) “Hey, cool: J&H has a one-day 20% off sale that actually brings the 20mm Panasonic f1.7 down into my price range.”

Recently, I’ve been seeing this ad for Timbuk2′s iPad case. Actually, their “Quickie” bag, size extra-small.

I’ve been seeing this ad everywhere. Not just “I see it regularly.” I mean that it’s probably one out of every five ads I see in Google Reader. There are some blogs in which it’s the only ad I ever see. Post after post, day after day: Timbuk2 iPad bag.

I’m starting to feel as though I have some sort of social responsibility to respond. You know, like, the third time a co-worker invites you to one of his regular weekend get-togethers, a casual and friendly “Gosh, I’m busy” won’t do; you need to either accept the invitation out of courtesy, or find a gentle and sensitive way of communicating that you were never a big fan of “Space: 1999″ and as such, a themed barbecue, pool party, or charity mini-golf tourney is unlikely to hold much interest for you.

(I have a similar policy with PR emails. I don’t necessarily feel that I need to respond to each and every one — particularly ones from PR people who are eager to hook me up with a client who can “explain the intricacies of the iPhone 4 to me, as well as educate me and my readers about how this revolutionary device will transform…” etc. But if the PR person sends me a followup, I think it’s rude not to at least thank them for thinking of me and assuring them that I’d be in touch if I needed more info.)

So. People of Timbuk2:

“You make many fine, fine products. I’ve bought many of them in the past. I have consistently been pleased with their simple but attractive design, solid construction, and highly practical and functional features. Please be assured that if I should be in the market for an iPad bag, your line will receive favored and serious consideration. However, at this time I have yet to properly define my needs for such a bag, and therefore have deferred this decision to a future date.”

Good. Now at least I feel as though I’ve satisfied social etiquette. I don’t know if it’ll result in my seeing this ad less-frequently. Come to think of it, I’d be profoundly creeped-out to learn that Google’s tendrils run so deep that they’re spidering my personal blog for clues on how to sell me stuff.

Truth be told, the fact that I keep seeing this ad proves that their algorithms are working. Like most iPad owners, I’m still grappling with the Carriage Problem. What’s the “right” way to carry an iPad? Do I stick it in my way-too-big laptop bag? Hug it like the Statue of Liberty’s tablet? Put it in a cloth sleeve and hold it like a lady’s clutch purse?

Or do I buy a smaller laptop bag that can only really work with the iPad?

Timbuk2′s “Quickie” is probably the wrong choice for me. On the plus side, it appears to have a couple of dump pouches for the pocketful of accessories I sometimes take with me (my stopper stand, a folding easel, a set of headphones, maybe a MiFi). On the negative, it lacks D-rings for a shoulder strap. I’d still have to hold it in a free hand. That’s not really an upgrade from the lovely “pajama” sleeve that a clever friend sewed for me. I live in mild fear that I’ll set it down somewhere, get distracted (or allow a ne’er-do-well to distract me) and then presto, I’ve lost my iPad.

Their “Freestyle Netbook Messenger” has possibilities, though. It’s just a smaller version of a notebook messenger bag and it seems to be big enough to hold my iPad plus all of the bibs and bobs that tend to pass into and out of my orbit during an afternoon out of the office.

I also imagine that it’d make a handy “lunar lander” sort of bag when I’m flying. I board the plane, “undock” the Freestyle from my big laptop bag, and stow the latter in the overhead. All of the carryon equipment that I’ll never use during the six-hour flight (my MacBook, power adapters, assorted cameras, etc.) won’t be taking up valuable legroom at my seat; the “lander” contains just the iPad and a few other in-flight essentials.

Well, maybe I’ll check these things out the next time I’m in a store that carries Timbuk2 gear.

My 511 Tactical Pants continue to serve with honor and distinction, But there are limits. I try not to fill the pockets with so much gear that I wind up getting tailed by store security everywhere I go.

 

Categories: apple.

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The iPad Keyboard Dock works with the iPhone 3GS! (*)

Mostly.

Kinda-sorta.

The fact is, if you upgrade your iPhone 3GS to iOS 4.0 and then slap it into an iPad Keyboard Dock, the keyboard (well, I’ll be damned) actually works. You can write emails and notes with it; it works everywhere I’ve tried it.

There are just two little hitches with this:

1) The iPhone 3GS’s rounded base has a tendency to wiggle up from the dock, causing Unexpected Things to sometimes happen. Sometimes I’d experience “stuck” keys. I also suspect that another potential Unexpected Thing might be that your iPhone’s dock connector could get cracked if you keep trying to scrunch it in there.

2) This is only a practical solution to the problem someone betting you $10 that it can’t be done. The iPad Keyboard Dock isn’t even a practical travel dock for the iPad, for God’s sake. If you want to use a physical keyboard with the iPhone, just get a Bluetooth one…Bluetooth keyboards are supported “for real” right within iOS 4. Apple’s Wireless keyboard is slim, trim, affordable, and it works great. Other Bluetooth keyboards are even smaller.

Still, it’s an interesting little quirk and I suppose we can all enjoy this until Apple decides to smack it off the table.

Yes? A question at the back?

Ah. Of course. “Does this mean that you can use USB keyboards with the iPhone 3GS as well.” Obviously you’re an iPad owner and know about the trick of using the USB adapter in the iPad Camera Connection Kit with keyboards and microphones and headsets. Alas, no such luck with the iPhone 3GS. You get the dreaded “Who the hell told you that it was OK to plug this, of all things, into the iPhone?” message from the OS and that’s the end of the adventure.

Speaking of adventure, wish me well on yet another week in which I need to bash the hell out of an OS and a piece of hardware and write another Old Testament-style review. This must be the fifth or sixth of the past couple of months. I’m definitely lining up the rest of my summer so that I only have to review things like Windows task managers and novelty USB key drives.

 

Categories: apple, iphone.

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Apple WWDC 2010 Keynote Liveblog

11:37:08 AM
Number 8: iAds.

“We’re doing it to help our developers to make money so they continue to make affordable and free apps.”

(Interesting: positioning it as both a dev bonus and a user bonus. Smart.)

He pitches it to devs as a way to keep the user inside your app instead of “hijacking [user] out of your app.”

(Lists the high-end brands that are advertising in iAds. No ads for shady home-refinancers or “we pay pennies on the dollar for the scrap-metal value of your heirloom gold antiques”tfits. Let’s see what the experience is like in practice. I’m annoyed AS HELL by these sort of fleecey ads on TV. These ads on my iPhone would actually hurt my iPhone/iPad experience.)

Demo: iAd for Nissan Leaf. Very slick, very entertaining. But again I ask: how soon until cartoon leprechauns are farting clouds of dollar signs to get me to sign up for a payday loan at 500% interest?

Brands have bought 60M in iAds for second half of this year.

(Journo to my left shows me a news item: AT&T has already issued a press release to say that Steve’s Internet problems during the keynote weren’t their fault.)

One More Thing…

“Are your WiFI Devices off? I really want them off.”

Stage lights up with spots that ring the entire front of the stage.

“I’d like to call Jony Ive right now…”

“FaceTime,” says the iPhone. Yes, it’s video chat on the iPhone. He seemed to have just placed a call.”

Video freezes for a half a second. Jobs chides audience for not leaving the WiFi devices off.

But it seems to work great. Looks like it’s reduced framerate — maybe 12 FPS? but very clean and clear.

“We call this ‘FaceTime Video calling’.”

iPhone 4 to iPhone 4, anywhere there’s WiFi, no extra charges or setup. Just dial and it works.

(So it doesn’t work via 3G?)

Workd with front or rear camera, portrait and landscape.

“WiFi only in 2010, “we need to work with providers to make it happen over 3G”

Will ship “10′s of millions of FaceTime devices in 2010.”

(Inteersting: “Facetime Devices”? There’s more coming?)

11:18:48 AM
“This month we will sell our 100 millionth iOS device…there is DEFINITELY A MARKET for your applications.”

iOS was #6.

Number 7: iBooks.

“We’re bringing it to the iPhone with iOS 4.” Says it’s the same features, same bookshelf, same PDF support, everything. You can get a PDF in a mail message and it goes into iBooks on the bookshelf; “you can have it, store it, flip through it whenever you like.”

“We’ll have iBooks on the iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch. What can we do with all of these products together? [These are are wireless devices]”

1) Purchase and download a book.

2) Download the same book to all of your devices at no extra charge. iBooks will automatically and wirelessly sync your current place, bookmarks, and notes across all of your devices.

11:15:00 AM
“You’ll be able to buy this [iMovie 4] for $4.99…if we approve it,” Steve says, getting a laugh.

“Our guys have been running around like crazy. We’ve there are 500 WiFi base stations operating in this room. We have two choices. I have more demos to show you. We either turn them off, or I show you the demos. WHich do you want?”

(Applause)

“Please turn off all of your MiFis, turn off your aptops, put them on the floor.”

Wow! Only Steve could make this happen.

Renaming iPhone OS 4 to iOS 4.

“And we’re going to give it some metal,” and the logo transitions to chrome.

1500 new developer APIs.

(I’ve turned off my MiFi and turned off the WiFi radio on my MacBook. Only because I don’t want to be Shamed…plus my battery is now at 35% and I think there’s another half an hour to go.)

100 new user features.

“Software running in the background, that sort of exhausts the battery qwuickly” — Larry Page, May 18.

Added folders, “a whole bunch of other things” that were shown a few months ago.

Demos a few things.

Launches Pandora. Music keeps playing.

“Now I’ll launch a web browser and see if everybody really DID turn off their WiFi devices…”

Annnnd it loads in INSTANTLY. Behold the power of Jobs (and having 570 MiFis in one room (according to Steve and the guys backstage)

Swipes, and the controls for Pandora playback (a standardized audio control) appears.

Unified Inbox, with threading…tap one message and you can read the whole conversation. Lots of applause for this.

Folders. Words as we’ve seen: drag an icon onto another icon, and a new folder is created that contains those items. You can rename it, drag more in, etc. Can even drag folders into the Dock. Very slick little interface. Uses the “slide the current view up a little to reveal a bank of buttons” behavior.

“Multitasking. Folders, Retina display integration (“We’ve enhanced all of your apps for you”). Mail, enhanced camera and photos apps. Deeper enterprise support. New features everywhere.”

Enterprise — Better data protection mobile device managhement, wireless ap distribution, multiple exc accounts, ex server 2010, SSL VPN support.

Bing is now a third option for search…Googler is still the default. “Each takes a unique approach to how they find and present their results.”

“Microsoft has done a great jonb on this; it’s an HTML5 presentation.”

Golden Master Candidate of iOS 4 in developers’ hands today (cheers from crowd). “It will be out [for users] soon.”

11:03:36 AM
Ken Burns effect on photos. Music from iTunes library. Titles. Recording video straigt into the timeline or using clips from the library and timeline.

A theme that even incorporates geolocation. This really feels like a desktop app…very full featured, yet slick and simple.

Export 360p to 720p.

Shows a movie in SF created completely one phone. It really is a WOW presentation, notjh vifdeo qwuality and the quality of these edits, titles and effects. I wonder who shot that video…it seems to have neemn done by someone who really knows how to do a shoot, getting the right shots.

(Wonder if it does image stabilization, too?)

AWESOME demo.

10:58:26 AM
(I’m very excited to see how developers exploit it. It seems like it really proves itself in the app.)

This iPhone has sensors out the wazoo…light sensor, proximity sensor, compass, accelerometer, 3-axis gyro.

Fourth thing: “A whole new camera system.”

“We tend to ask the question ‘How do we make better pictures?’” rather than megapixels. “Its about capturing photons and low-light photography.”

Gone from 3-megapixel to 5 mega.

Added a backside-illuminated sensor (“which is used in many cameras”). “We’ve gone to 5 mp but stayed with 1.75 micron pixels; we haven’t made them smaller.”

Shows off some pictures taken right from iPhone 4 — they all look incredible on this big screen. Possibly a kick-ass feature; I’ve tried two 8 MP phones and none of them took great photos.

Camera also records HD video. 720p at 30 FPS.

5x digital zoom in app, and LED flash. Tap-to-focus now works in video, too. LED flash will illuminate video.

(If these specs hold up in testing, this is going to be one of the best capture phone out there.)

iMovie for iPhone! Applause!

Randy Ubillos, chief architect video appliocations comes up to demo.

10:52:38 AM
“We think it’s maybe the most important single component of the hardware…it’s the best window on the planet.”

Third up: the iPhone 4 is powered by the A4 chip. Same chip as in the iPad.

Take the back off. “First thing you notice is that the iPhone 4 is packed to the gills. “Biggest single component is the battery. We were able to make it a little bigger.”

“We were able to imprive the battery management. 7 hours of 3G talk, 6 hours of 3G browsing, 10 WiFi, 10 hours of videio, 40 hours of music, and 300 hours of standby.”

“Arsenic free, BFR-free, mercury-free, and glass and stainless steel are very recyclable.”

Up to 32 GB of storage, Quad band HSDPA/HSUPA, 7.2 mb down, 5.8 up (“Not everyone supports it now”) Dual-mic noise suppression.

Fourth up: “We’re adding a gyroscope.” (Cheers!)

A three-axis gyrop, pirch roll and yaw, rotation about gravity, Gyro and accelerometer prives 6-axis motion sensing.

New CoreMotion APIs to get precise positioning info.

“It’s perfect fot gaming; one becaue you know it’s built into every iPhone 4.”

“And because this demo does not require the network…I should be OK.”

Demos a Jenga game. Stage rotates in three dimensions. WIth accelerometer. Switches on hyro. and suddenly becomes way more precise as he rotates in place. Gets absorbed in game.

10:46:23 AM
“Scott, you got any suggestions?”

“Switch to Verion!” someons shouts. “Oh, no, you DI-INT!” laughs audience.

“Actually, I’m on WiFi.”

He moves on. Good.

800:1 contrast ratio — 4x better.

Retina Display has 78% of the pixels of an iPad. (Good, but is that just “iPhone screen, higher def” or “more screen real estate”?

iPhone audomatically renders all text and controls at higher rez; developers get that for free.

“But if you do a little more work, and add higher-rez artwork, apps are stunning. So we suggest that you do that.”

10:43:23 AM
Second thing: “Retina Display.”

Four times as many pixels in the same amount of space. Uses fonts as an example of the advantage of this.

(OK, but is “Retina Display” your way of saying “the iPhone 4 has a higher-definition display than the old one”? I was braced for “The front camera does eye tracking.

Display has 326 pixes per inch. WHooooaaaahhhs from audience and applause. (Wow, that’s higher than the original LaserWriter printer…the one that invented desktop publighing.

“This is at the human limit of the eye’s ability to differentiate pixels. 300 is the limit. We’re over it. It’s extraordinary.”

Puts side by side examples of the difference in resolution, which frankly doesn’t really come across.

Makes the point that it’s particularly a big win with Kanji and other picto languages.

Photo side by sides: colors look way more natural on the iPhone 4.

“I have an iPhone 3GS which has a widely-praised display, and an iPhone 4.”

Hmm! Yes, I do see the difference. “We had to get special projectors because the ordinary kinds can’t show you the difference with the pixel display.”

This is nice; not just sharper (I think) but also more subtle color and shading, which really comes across in Springboard. But remember I’m just looking at a projector.

Embarrassing: he loads up NYTimes website, and it’s SLOOWWW loading in.

Says “You could help us out if you turned off your WiFi” (like the Google guys) but I _think_ he was kidding.

Announces that he’s going to switch to a backup.

Embarrassing! 4G says “Could not activate…you are not subscribed to a data network”

“I’m afraid that I have a problem and I can’t show you very much here today.”

Wow, this is unprecedented, practically. Jobs is now showing photos as people kill themselves backstage using awesome Jonny Ive-designed sepuuku knives.

10:36:14 AM
24% thinner than iPhone 3GS. “Thinnest smartphone on the planet.”

Buttons: bol up, vol down, and mute.

Yes, a front-facing camera.

Micro SIM tray (light boos)

Camera and an LED flash.

Bottom: Mic, 30-pin connector and speaker.

Top: Headset, a second mic for noise cancellation and a sleep-wake button.

“Because there’s been a few phoeot around, people have asked “What’s this?”"

Points to “lines” at bottom, says “Many people jhave said “This isn’t very Apple.”

There isn’t jsut one, there’s three. The stainless-steel band is part of the structural element of the phone. Those three slits are part of the engineering that uses the band as part of the antenna.

Bluetooth, wifi GPS is the smaller band; larger part is UMTS and GSM. “This has never been done before.”

“Uses stainless steel for strength. Uses glass for optical quality and scratch resistance; integrated antennas; extraordinary build quality.”

10:33:01 AM
Back to Steve.

“We just crossed 5 billion downloads from the App Store. This is my favorite stat from the whole show.”

How much have we paid developers? Here comes an animated graphic: “A few days ago, we’ve crossed a BILLION dollars.”

(Again: carefully curating the message. “The app store is the most vibrant app community on the Internet. It’s a healthy ecosystem not just for users, but for developers.)

“And now, I’d like to talk about the iPhone.”

(Applause!)

“I’d like to give you two pieces of data so you can make upyour own mind about market share:”

Neilsen says US smartphone share of iPhojne is 28%, behind RIM, in Q1 of 2010. Says that iPhone share is 3x Android.

Mobile browser usage in US, iPhone us 58.2%, more than 2x Android at 22.7%, says Jobs quoting Nielsen.

Presents timetable:

2007: iPhone reinvents the phone.

2008: iPhone 3G and the App Store.

2009: iPhone 3GS is twice as fast.

2010 “the biggest leap since the original iPhone.”

WHOOPS and HOLLERS in audience!

Reveal: iPhone 4 (official name).

“This is really hot. There are well over 100 new features. I get to cover 8 of them.”

1) All new design.

“Stop me if you’ve already seen this…”

(applause, laughter, hoots)

“Believe me, you ain’t seen it.

“Glass on the front and the rear and stainless steel all around…its closest kin is a beautiful old Leica camera.”

10:26:32 AM
Cute: on the iPhone edition of Farmville, you can acquire Snow Leopards as farm animals. I wonder how the chickens and the pigs and hell, the farmers are going to feel about that?

“No way!” a media person behind me says, as they demonstrate how the tractor works. Um…really?

Next up: Activision. Guitar Hero! Karthik Bala, Senior VP takes the stage.

“Brand new GH experience for iPhone and iPod touch”

Interesting: GH in a vertical orientation. Tapping mechanics, but also fdelivers a richer guitar mechanics: strumming, with multitouch with stuff like bends and slides.

(Looks interesting. Wonder why they didn’t just replicate the neck. A little hard to get a sense of gameplay.)

Available now in App Store.

10:20:32 AM
Next up: Zynga. Steve starts to explain it, but then says, er, let me allow Mark Puncus, Zynga CEO to handle that. Must have been a prepared line but yeah, a tech company with a made-up name like that typically lasts about three months past its VC angel funding.

(But seriously, folks: yes, it’s the company that does online gaming communities.)

Introduces Farmville for the iPhone. Troubling to me that this got more of a response than Netflix!

10:18:36 AM
Quotes eBay CEO, says eBay app did $500M in its first year and will do 1.5 to 2 billion next year.

Brings up the CEO of Netflix, Reed Hastings to talk about Netflix for iPhone.

(This is how you keynote: talk about YOUR strengths, not your competitor’s weaknesses. They’re hammering the point: iPhone and iPad is where the money and the stability and the “heat” is.)

Free Netflix app for the iPhone coming this summer. (Hmm, expected some applause. Glad to see that people are a little calmer at this keynote than at others. Or maybe they’re just too busy blogging.)

Demo of Netflix app. Nice, but I wonder how much fun this will be with AT&T’s 2 gig data cap?

10:15:09 AM
Onward to App Store.

“We support two platforms,” says Steve. Starts talking about HTML 5, descrtibing it as a gfully open uncontrolled platform forged b widelu respected standards bodies.

“It’s fully open. Anybody can write HTML5 apps and put them on the iPad, the iPhone and the Mac.”

Describes the App Store as Apple’s “Curated platform.” Interesting positioning; smart move, I think.

Talks about the approvals process. Wow, no boos!

15,000 apps submitted every week, in up to 30 different languages.

“Guess what? 95% of apps are approved within 7 days. What about the 5% that aren’t?”

Lists three top reasons:

1) App doesn’t function as advertised by the developer.

2) Use of private APIs. “We’re very clear on this…because when we change the OS, the app will break and we’ll have an unhappy customer.”

3) “Because they crash.”

10:11:26 AM
“I was sitting in a cafe with my iPad and it got a girl interested in me. Now that’s what I call a magical device!” — Email to Steve. Man (or woman) probably slightly mortified.

iPad in 10 countries, will be in 19 by the end of July. Video montage of newspeople of the entire world getting all excited about the iPad. Sort of like the end of “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey” when Wyld Stallyns’ music is heard by the entire world and ushers in a new era of peace and prosperity for the entire planet.

8500 native apps in iPad store. 35M downloads.

Whows off Pulse, Walla, WebMD, eBay, Iron Man, Avatar, newspapers and magazines,

“I earned more 0nsales of The ELements for iPad in the first day than from the past 4 years of Google ads on periodictable.com” — Theo Gray, Wolfram Associates. Whee! Let’s see if this turns into a Google catfight (I hope note but it’s fun to watch).

iBookstore. Downloaded 5M books, 2.5 books per iPad. 5 of 6 publishers, they report that iBooks has 22% of all eBook sales.

(Nice, but doesn’t that mean that people have new iPads and want to play with them by buying books? Let’s see how that holds up once the novelty wears off).

New iBooks feature: you can make notes. New control to add a visual bookmark. TOC lists all pages that are bookmarked and all pages that have been highlighted.

(Whoops, we’ve moved on to “new iPad features.”

Now has native viewer for PDFs in iBooks. PDFs have their own separate bookshelf. This gets applause; it’s hard to appreciate just how many people live their info lives around PDFs. Big plus.

Update up later this month.

10:02:26 AM
Cheers from the back of the room. Their giant video screen is getting different things from our giant video screen (the one on the stage.

Lights dim, and here’s The Man.

It’s hard to tell the difference between a standing ovation and just 1000 nerds trying to get their cameras above everybody else’s heads.

“We love you, Steve!” someone shouts.

“Thanks…I think.”

9:49:52 AM
Am seated in Moscone West and listening to Louis Armstrong.

Every big industry keynote makes me grateful that I’m credentialed media. Huge crowds — not lines, crowds — of people on the sidewalks around Moscone. The marshaling area on the second floor was packed with humanity and developers. I worry, before discovering that I can just motor right to the top and take a seat.

I’m a bit late — T minus 45 — so instead of taking a middle seat up front I grab an aisle in the second cluster. I’d love to sit with my pals at Macworld and Ars, but you can’t even have two people liveblogging side by side, let alone seven!

Already a small bit of tsurris. I’m seated next to the forest of video cameras. A producer failed to snag an aisle seat and she truly needs one; she needs to keep running information between her cameraperson and her journo. Well, I need elbow room. After promising me up and down that she’s barely going to be in the seat, I do the courteous thing.

Attendees are wearing athletic-style WWDC 10 letterman jackets. I think there’s a risk that this might create battlefield stress disorder reactions in other attendees. Some nerds see hordes of people in identical team jackets and have flashbacks to pantsing, wedgies, swirlies, and such. I’m bracing for shrieks and freakouts.

8:37:11 AM
One last test before I pack up the MacBook. The new MarsEdit has a little bit of a twist in it. It’s not enough to mess up my scripts but enough that I want to remind myself how everything needs to go.

Let’s also see what happens when the text hasn’t been converted to HTML by MarsEdit 3 before I trigger the script.

Push the button, Frank…

8:25:33 AM

Hello, sensation-seekers!

So let’s give this a shot: one-man liveblogs can fail unexpectedly for any number of technical reasons (up to and including “Oh, ****…I forgot to turn down the screen brightness. Steve’s only just finished talking about the new Apple Store in Kyzyl and my battery’s already at 28%.”

As I write this, I’m still in my hotel room. MarsEdit appears to be working. The liveblogging script I wrote for the Oscars seems to be working. The MiFi seems to be working, and because it has nothing to do with the AT&T network, I’m pretty sure that it’ll <em>keep</em> working.

But who knows what’ll happen at 10 AM.

Just in case this is the first and last post to the liveblog: Steve talked about stuff. He released some new stuff. Apple’s making money. Google sucks, but you had to work out that this was actually the subtext of these three specific announcements. HTML5 good, Flash bad. The engineer who lost the iPhone 4 is still working for Apple, but now has a curiously-fresh stump in place of his right thumb.

Onward.

Categories: yellowtext.

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Safety In Numbness

Dammit.

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

I’ve just written a 2000-word post that I think is good, funny stuff. I have rewritten it and edited it. I don’t know that it’s brilliant, but it’s something I’m happy with.

Annnnnd now I’ve filed it away for good.

See, the problem is that it’s a parody of an Apple press release for the next iPhone. Shortly after I woke up this morning, I had a picture in my mind of someone at Apple getting sick and tired of all of the complaints about the iPhone and finally saying what’s on his or her mind.

So I started writing.

All writing is a selfish act. You write for your own pleasure. You write because you’ve teased out the first thread of an idea and you can’t help but to pull on that thread carefully and see how far it goes.

On that basis: those two or three hours were well-spent.

No, Andy. NO. Stop it.

(Shut up.)

NO. You can’t post this.

Why not? Because every time I’ve written a parody, I’ve exercised a lot of common sense. “Make sure that nobody could possibly confuse this for the real thing,” I determined. And then through a second draft and then a third draft, I undermine the credibility as far as I think I can stretch it without explicitly writing “By the way, this is just something I made up. It’s a bit of fun and nothing more.”

I post or publish the piece, thinking that nothing can possibly go wrong. Annnnnd then it all goes horribly wrong.

Oh, it’s not your intelligence that concerns me, dear reader. It’s the intelligence of the Dumbest Person On The Internet.

Aha. Yes, now you see my problem. This Dumbest Person On The Internet goes and puts excerpts on their blog, or Twitters a quote or two. And then it’s allll over the internet that [topic redacted]. Which is obvious rubbish within the context of the original piece, but it has a certain vague credibility when taken out of context.

Plus, I keep forgetting that there are some people out there who think I’m some kind of respected journalist. I can’t say whether that’s deserved or not, but still: put rubbish on the right plate and some people will consider it Haute Cuisine.

(Andy reads the piece again.)

NO, Andy. Put it AWAY.

Sorry to jerk you people around with A Post Explaining Why I’m Not Releasing A Post. But I spent a few hours on that original piece. If I can’t post the post, at least I can post a story about the post.

Categories: yellowtext.

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